A Beautiful Mess
by Flameturnsblue92
Summary: HOUSE Story, Bombshells Alternate Universe, What if things had been different the morning House hid under the bed? House and Cuddy have to overcome a major struggle, whilst staying together and ultimately, for House, staying alive. First time author. M for possible language and sexual themes. Huddy storyline.
1. Chapter 1

**Beautiful Mess**

By FreeFallin'92

_**Author's** note: Hello there, this is my first story and I hope you enjoy it. I've so missed House since it's been away so I've made an AU version of that scene that House hid under the bed in Bombshells. Cameron is still in this AU and there is a previous relationship there that I have made a little important to there story. I apologise for any mistakes as I don't have a beta and my spelling is usually atrocious! I've already written five chapters of this so if you like it I will keep on posting and writing. It will probably last about ten-fifteen chapters if people like it! Plus this moves pretty fast I don't really waste time with the storyline being established! The characters aren't mine but I wish they were things would have been very different!_

**Chapter One: A Case Of You**

_"A man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it."_

_J. R. R. Tolkien _

* * *

A lot can happen in a year, Cuddy smiled thinking to herself quietly in bed whilst her lover slept and it was a truly remarkable concept. For when Lisa Cuddy cast her mind back to where she and her sleeping giant had been twelve months ago it seemed like another time or planet. Another time when she had been ignorant of the bliss that being with Gregory House was and arrogant enough to think she was better off without him. Lisa watched him sleeping, which she didn't make a habit of trying to avoid the look of a love lost teenager, and marvelled at his being. The peace and serenity on his face made her feel an amazing cocktail of warmth and, she knew for certain, love. There was no one on the Earth that could make her feel so good even when the world might have been against her. Lisa Cuddy was in love and she was certain, even though he rarely plucked up courage to say it, that Gregory House loved her too. Of course he wasn't all rainbows and puppy dog tails but she accepted that was the way House was. She lay back in the bed listening to the baby monitor picking up Rachel's soft sleep talk, what would she have given right then to send a message back in time to her former selves? In that moment Lisa Cuddy had everything she had ever wished for. The man who had stolen her heart and her fascinations from the moment they had laid eyes on each other was laid next to her, what would her young heartbroken self say if she could have foreseen that? Or perhaps the Lisa Cuddy who sat on the floor crying desperately after she had lost Joy would love to know about Rachel? It was true that Cuddy had everything she had ever wanted. Not perhaps in the order that she would have liked it or in the manner either but Lisa knew right then it was how it should be.

Yet, there was a sense of foreboding hanging above them like a looming Spector of doom. Lisa glanced back to her sleeping lover, she couldn't place her finger on it but it was almost how she imagined a sixth sense would feel. There was something on the horizon waiting to test them to their limit. Everything was too peaceful, too calm and serene. She was waiting for the avalanche. Lisa shook her head throwing the unwanted depression away from her mind. Perhaps Cuddy didn't know how to be happy, as for so long she had been used to everything going wrong. House was such a volatile creature of destruction but he had settled so well into the monotony of their life and their schedule but even that aside she couldn't help but worry. Greg was a walking target, or so it felt like now she realised how much she loved him, he had been shot, building collapsed on him and so many other self-inflicted tortures. What would she do if something took him away from them? Rachel had grown to love him and Cuddy saw the same look of adoration she imagined could be seen in her own. How would such a young girl cope with the loss of an irreplaceable man like House? Cuddy couldn't even comprehend how she might feel. House had become part of her. She was beginning to feel, especially in her personal life, that she didn't know what it was like to be without him and she didn't want to remember.

"I can feel you worrying about something…"

He moaned from the mound of cushions he had pushed his face into, "Don't you ever switch off for God's sake."

House moved over capturing her smaller body in an embrace, sliding his warm body up against the soft skin of her own kissing her neck softly as he did each morning when they woke together, "How about a snow day?"

"It's nearly seventy degrees outside," Cuddy laughed.

"Well how about we skip school today and we stay here…"

House pressed himself up against her and began sensually kissing the top of her back moving her hair away with his nose, "Because I have a ton of work to do and school? Sometimes I feel like I'm dating a ten year old."

Cuddy felt him spin her body round to face her and there was a sly but tired morning grin on his face, "God, I hope not."

Lisa couldn't help but feel the crackle of electricity pass through her whole body when House looked at her so sexily. His blue eyes were full of sleep but fizzled with a passion that even exhaustion couldn't put out. House had already known he had won just by the look she had given him as he ran his hands over her body. Yet as he moved Cuddy saw a strange look come over his features, a pained growl from his stomach erupted between them and he kissed her hard on the lips, "Nature calls, hold one second."

She smiled watching him limp toward the bathroom in his usually hurried manner. Lisa laid back and sighed contently. House made her feel on top of the world when it was just the two of them together doing things normal couples do.

* * *

He flew to the bathroom in haste although that wouldn't have looked strange from Cuddy's point of view but House knew better. They were laying together and then he felt it, his leg pain rising to a point that he couldn't handle. He took a breather and went to the toilet so Cuddy would not be suspicious by his absence. It was then his second clue, as House looked down towards the bowl, when the pain had not arisen from his leg but from his stomach. The bowl was filled with bloodied urine. He looked up flushing the toilet and religiously washing his hands in a sort of panic. As a diagnostician House's mind was running away from him illogically and irrationally before he could think about what it could mean. Though he knew, blood was not a good sign.

"House? You ok in there?"

He looked around in panic, "Yeah two seconds…"

She would know something was up. He walked into the bathroom hot for her as hell and when he would return looking pale as a sheet Cuddy would know. There was no time to think, it was six am and his mind was not in prime condition to be contemplating what was wrong with him at that time. He cleared his mind and walked back into the room pretending nothing had happened.

"I thought you would never come out of there…"

* * *

She smirked coyly from the bed but in the instant Lisa saw his face instinctively she knew something was up. House was paler almost and dragging his leg from behind him. He sank on the bed trying to pretend there was nothing amiss and leaned over to kiss her but Cuddy stopped him.

"What's wrong?"

House shrugged but his eyes had widened slightly at the implication, "Nothing."

She sat opposite him placing distance between them crossing her legs at the side, "You're as pale as a sheet. Is it your leg?"

He took a moment to process it and nodded slightly muttering a small, "Yes."

Cuddy smiled in relief almost that it wasn't something more serious that had unsettled him, placing a hand on his cheek in comfort, "Well, we can take a rain check plus Rachel's at my mom's tonight we have the place to ourselves…"

Her eyebrow rose in the implication of what they would get up to on the rare time alone without Rachel being in the house and he smiled but it was forced. Cuddy pondered for a moment whether he was telling the truth about the sudden change in his behaviour but she trusted that he knew how he was feeling. She had been looking forward to a little morning passion, as she had a long hard day before the evening was there, but Lisa let it pass. Cuddy leant over and kissed him, "I better get up then…"

"Yeah me too."

Cuddy looked at him in surprise, "I usually have to pry you away from my bed and now you're volunteering to leave it. Something is up, isn't it?"

"Not everything is a conspiracy you know that right?" House spat standing up awkwardly a placing his clothes on, "I promised Wilson I do something with him this morning, he still on a major depression after the bitch left him."

Cuddy stood up and turned on the shower, "She had a name you know."

He snorted a laugh, "You didn't like her either."

Lisa poked her head out the door, "Whether or not I liked her it doesn't make a difference. Sam couldn't handle that I was better than her."

They laughed and House smirked, "That's what I love about you most, your modesty."

She smiled brightly the way he slipped his affections slyly into the conversation, "It's good you're doing something with Wilson though he's having a tough time. It's nice to see you are there for him for a change. I'm going for a shower."

* * *

He sat in his car outside the hospital for an hour before he contemplated going in. Everything over the past month was being analysed by his mind. Anything out of the ordinary was a symptom and all was possible. There were so many things going through his mind that he didn't notice Doctor Alison Cameron walk into his room. She sat down opposite him and waited for him to acknowledge her but House was somewhere else. He had spent the previous time in his office calling Wilson or thinking of another alternative person to help him keep this from Cuddy but he couldn't think.

"House, you do know I've been sat here for five minutes now right?"

He spun his head around quickly and saw Cameron sat there and in that moment it came to him. Cameron had always liked him and respected him. She wasn't in Cuddy's pocket or even a friend of hers they had never really seen eye to eye at all. Cameron worked in the ER she could process results faster through pathology because usually it meant life or death.

"Why do I already feel like I made a mistake by coming here?"

She sensed that he was cooking up a plan and tried to back out before he could say it, "Look I came here to give you a patient but if…"

"I need your help."

The words hung in the air with a heavy sense of reluctance on House's part as Alison knew he hated asking for help. She sat back down and looked him up and down. He wasn't looking himself today she had to admit, there were many times she found herself glancing adoringly at House over the years and in that moment he looked lost.

"What do you need me to do?"

House was shocked by her willingness and immediate offer. He had expected perhaps some gloating, that he would have received off any other person maybe even Wilson if he had asked that, but Cameron was compassionate more so than anyone he had ever met besides Cuddy. She looked at him with intense worry as he spoke,

"I need you to run some tests under the radar of Lisa Cuddy's ever watchful gaze…" Just as Cameron was about to protest to some illegal tests that Cuddy had not sanctioned House admitted, "It's for me."

Cameron looked slightly bemused, "You want me to run tests on you? Why? And why me? Why not ask Wilson to do it or you're team?"

House stood up and sat on the edge of his desk, "I…" He tried to speak plainly but he couldn't think of anything to say so played to Cameron's heart that he knew had always been soft for him, "I trust you, ok? Wilson would run to Cuddy and I know you have more respect for me than that."

He saw her thinking about it and he saw her concede that Wilson would have conflicting interests to Cuddy, "Ok, but the only time I have free is tonight and you will take on this case from the ER."

"Tonight? Like evening or tonight tonight?"

"Yes, tonight my shift finishes around nine so I can do them around that time but you will have to be here I can't leave for long."

House sighed in frustration, "Fine I will be here, gimme the file."

Cameron gave him the patient file and left with a nod. House stood up and sunk back into his chair, Cuddy was going to be pissed with him for missing the one night they had planned to spend just the two of them. She had mentioned just that morning how much she had been looking forward to it but House had to know. There was a compulsion inside him that couldn't be satisfied by normal distractions. This time it was personal.

* * *

It was her final meeting of the day and Lisa was relieved that she would finally be able to spend some quality time with the man she loved. Sure, Cuddy thought, it was amazing having him and Rachel around but sometimes she wished she had done things differently and had more time being a couple with House. They worked such backwards shifts. Lisa had truly come to appreciate how hard, when he chose to, House worked. He didn't have the nine to five work like she did, he was woken up at three am or staying in the hospital all night three days straight to solve a case no one else could. Cuddy had always said he was the most incredible man she had ever met, though he didn't like patients he certainly put an incredible amount of effort and strain into finding out what was wrong with them. Lisa was aware that Dr Alison Cameron, one of his old fellows, had given him a case earlier in the day and miraculously House had taken it. Their relationship had always made Cuddy pause for thought, she had often wanted to ask him had he slept with her but Lisa knew House wouldn't ever tell her. People around the hospital at the time had spread rumours about seeing them on dates and returning in House's car one morning but Cuddy had never believed them. In the same way that House used to ruin her dates, Cuddy had refused to believe that House and any woman would ever work as she had been jealous. Cameron, Stacy and the countless others he had been with were always in the back of her mind. Did they all love him like she did? Would they always love him like she had done for so many years? If Stacy came back would he leave her?

Cuddy brushed it out of her mind and decided to walk down to his office to see if he was ready to go home. Before she reached the handle the blinds were closed and the door slightly ajar. She could hear his voice talking on the telephone to some unknown caller,

"Yes, ok that's fine. I will be here I don't know what time so just come up when you want. I will be waiting."

Cuddy walked in and gaged his reaction when she did. He quickly ended the phone call and looked up at her with a small smile, "Hey, what's up?"

She sat down on the seat opposite him, "Its six time to go. Who was that on the phone?"

"No one," House deflected, "and bad news I'm going to be a bit late so you're going to have to go without me."

Cuddy sighed angrily, "Why? Your team can call you if anything goes wrong."

"My patient is unstable I'm just staying until this treatment is given and then I will be on my merry way. I don't want to stay but my team are idiots. We will have plenty of time when I get back."

She didn't want to be angry but she was seething inside and House knew it too. It felt to Lisa like he was avoiding her intentionally staying away from her that evening when they were free and she couldn't fathom why. Cuddy was angry also because she had planned an evening that they were going to share together and House was being difficult when he could just come with her.

"I guess you've made up your mind." Cuddy stood up, "You know you could have told me this hours ago and I wouldn't have bothered planning and looking forward to this evening. I would have just been miserable like you."

With that she was gone leaving House stinging with guilt. He had known she was planning something nice for the two of them, probably one of his favourite films and a pizza but she had taken the time to think about something nice and casual for them to do.

"This day just gets better and better."

* * *

Cameron called to his office again later that evening after House and his team had successfully treated their patient. She walked into the office and couldn't see him so she followed through into the outer room and saw him on the floor. Cameron rushed over to his side and saw him seizing violently. Knowing House would berate her for calling a code she rushed for the emergency supplies in the room and roughly injected him with anti-convulsant from which he quickly came round.

"House, do you remember what just happened?"

He sat up slowly feeling the ache of his muscles from tension he tried to remember what he was doing before Cameron found him, "I had a headache and I walked in here to write it on the board. I must have fallen."

"House you had a seizure, we need to get these tests done right away…"

* * *

Cameron poked and prodded him with needles. She scanned his brain and did every imaginable test she could think of in such a small space of time. When it was over, late in the evening, House was waiting for the results in the closed and empty cafeteria. Cameron walked over to him and he knew. He read the expression on her face, she had already seen the files and the results and it wasn't nothing. It was definitely something and it scared the hell out of him. He was pacing between the seats as she moved next to him, "You'll want to sit down for this."

House did as he was directed and sat down opposite Cameron on the intimate table. He was so close that he could see she had been crying as her eyes were red and as hard as she had tried there was one tear track that she had missed.

"You really doing a number on me here, it can't be that bad."

Cameron looked up at him and in that moment he wished he could have taken those words back, "It's obviously premature to be specific I would have to do further…"

"You're talking to me, I'm not an idiot don't sugar coat it."

She nodded sadly, "The bloods picked up an elevated white cell count…" House was about to butt in but Cameron stopped him by passing him the scans of his brain and body, "You have numerous tumours in your liver, spine and brain. I can't tell at the moment which are the primary but due to the spread I would have to guess they were at stage 3 or 4."

House gripped the files checking them constantly over and over until he threw them down on the floor standing up knocking over his chair, "You're wrong."

Cameron pleaded with him, "I'm not. I triple checked everything. House," She stood next to him with a hand on his shoulder, "You seriously can't ignore this. If you do I can't guarantee you will be here in twelve months' time."

There was silence for a long time. House just stood leaning on the booth behind him and stared blankly until he spoke, "What am I going to do?"

Cameron remained silent her emotions getting the better of her, "Whatever I do I'm always the one who gets screwed over…"

"This isn't over, House." Cameron said strongly, "You of all people know that patients can live long and happy lives…"

House laughed bitterly, "As a woman who lost her husband young I would assume of all people you would be the cynic here…I'm old, abused everything in my life what hope have I got?"

Cameron walked over to him and in that moment House was glad that she was there. They had once shared something. It wasn't something as remarkable as he and Cuddy but it was definitely something. They had slept together on the occasion but it was never a regular occurrence. She had always been someone who believed in the good and didn't judge the bad things he had done. Cameron was the one he turned too and he felt a strong pull towards her. It was irrational but his mind wasn't his own anymore. The ideas coming into his head he couldn't tell if they were his or these new tumours living inside his body. She touched his cheek and pulled him into a strong hug. They embraced for what seemed an eternity before House saw someone standing in the entrance of the cafeteria. Someone who looked like hells fury.

* * *

She gave him the benefit of the doubt. He was being a good doctor but there was points in some cases where he neglected to look after himself. On her way out of the hospital Lisa Cuddy instructed Nurse Brenda to keep her updated with House's case as she sometimes did. After an hour Brenda called Cuddy to tell her the case had been straightforward and House had already solved it. Lisa was delighted and she waited. She waited for another hour before growing irritated by House's lack of appearance. Cuddy called his cell phone but it was switched off and then called his office phone but nobody answered. So she decided to go to him. They might be able to make an evening of it still, Cuddy thought looking at her watch, it wasn't too late in the evening. When she arrived at the hospital House was nowhere to be found until the attending on the ground floor told Cuddy he had seen Dr Cameron and Dr House heading to the cafeteria not so long ago. Cameron and House, Cuddy thought over, she had given him the case perhaps she was checking up with him but it didn't make any sense that he would turn his phone off. House had looked so disappointed to have to stay earlier so why would he delay coming back to her house.

Then she saw them. They were indeed together in the empty cafeteria in the late evening. House was talking angrily about something and Cameron walked close to him touching him on the cheek like an old lover. Cuddy stood in shock as House embraced her holding her close to his body seeking comfort from her his hand on her lower back. This was where House was, the reason why he hadn't come home and perhaps the reason why he had been so off with her that day. Even though there could be a perfectly rational explanation Cuddy wasn't ready to hear it and just as she was about to move from the spot near the entrance he saw her.

"Cuddy…"

His voice was unusually broke and full of raw emotion but she wouldn't stay to listen to his reasons. Lisa shot off into the darkness fully aware that House was following her quickly. She used her running to her advantage and ran to her car tears forming in her eyes. When the car had been reached she fumbled for her keys and heard him coming, "Cuddy, just wait a minute…"

House reached the car and they fumbled for the keys as he tried to take them from her, "Please just let me explain..."

"Explain what!" Cuddy cried out in anger as he pinned her to the car to make her see sense, "You and Cameron were looking pretty comfortable I thought I better leave you too it!"

House was trying not to get angry at her and calm the situation, "Whatever you think you saw you've got it all wrong I was just…"

"Go on, House, worm your way out of it. I'm sure she will lie for you!" Lisa shouted, "I knew all this time the way she looks at you, you slept with her didn't you!"

The diagnostician struggled to get his words out, "I didn't…I haven't…God, just listen to me!"

"Oh God, you have haven't you?" Lisa squirmed out of his grasp and looked at him in horror, "So have you two been going on while me and you?"

House shot the accusation down immediately, "No!"

"How do I know that? You could have been sleeping with the both of us!" Lisa paced in the deserted parking lot, "Meanwhile I was none the wiser, you must have both laughed at how stupid I was!"

"You've got this all wrong, Cuddy."

House's voice was calm and strong but Cuddy was far too worked up to let it go now, "So what am I meant to believe? That you blew me off to spend some quality time with a woman who you have slept with and who is obviously still in love with you! Do you think I'm an idiot?"

He placed his head in his hands, the migraine that had been developing since they had begun talking was in full swing making him more irritated and angry, "Do you know what forget it! If you don't trust me enough to even listen to what I have to say why should I bother? You've been waiting for a chance to pin something on me and here you go, your brain has seen what it wanted to so here…" House threw her the keys that he had won in the struggle, "Here you go, fly off into the night but when you realise you've made a mistake don't come crawling back to me. I won't want to know."

Then he walked away without looking back at Lisa or even making another sound he simply vanished into the night leaving her to think about what she had seen. House wouldn't have said any of those things if he wasn't telling the truth but that lead to even more questions. What was House doing with her? Why did he lie about staying? None of it made any sense but what did she do now? Cuddy didn't know what she ought to do, chase after him and find out the truth, find Cameron and ask her or go home and retreat. None of them seemed like a brilliant idea. Lisa decided to go home alone back to a memory of a home she used to live in with no one for company or comfort.

When she arrived to the empty and quiet house Lisa paused in the hallway, it was the first place they kissed or rather where they had their second first kiss and cherished that memory for a moment. They denied their attraction for so many years but it was the big moments, the ones that threaten to tear them apart, that brought them closer together or further apart. His leg, her fertility treatment, getting shot, electrical treatment, Amber, Joy, mental breakdowns, Lucas and Trenton. They had been through so much together it didn't make sense that House would stray when they were on such a good run without disaster. Yet the moment in bed that day sprang into her mind, Lisa had felt this premature urge to hide and perhaps in feeling such she had caused a bigger issue. Did she trust House? With her life, yes but with her heart that was a different issue. House was the biggest risk her heart had ever taken but after everything, especially what she had seen in Trenton one year ago, she knew he was worth it. There was only one way to sort the mess that she had inadvertedly made so much worse by flying off the handle, Lisa walked straight back to the door and locked it before jogging to her car. She loved him too much to not sort this out, she owed to everyone especially herself to make sure they were irretrievable before they gave up on their love. Lisa called his cell phone so many times, she left so many messages and voicemail. She went to his apartment using her spare key she let herself in.

When Cuddy entered the apartment it was clear he had been there since their argument. The whole place had been angrily smashed up on his return but there wasn't any sign of him and it worried her. Cuddy checked the bedroom where she noticed the draws had been pulled out and there was sitting arrogantly on the floor a white piece of tape and a pill lid. Her movements became so much more hurried the bathroom was clear and the kitchen. Cuddy screamed at herself for causing this and wracked her brain for where he would go. She looked out the window he hadn't taken his car so Lisa ran to the roof.

* * *

The night made him feel calmer but even the peaceful darkness was struggling tonight. Why had he not thought about Cuddy? House was well aware that she kept tabs on him when she went home as sometimes he didn't eat and sleep like he should so she worried about him. There was no situation where House placed any blame on Cuddy but as he sat on the ledge of the tall apartment block with the pills in his hand part of him wished that he could go back to what it was like. He could pretend that he didn't love her and it would return to normal, he wouldn't live with the constant fear that he was going to screw all their lives up. House threw the pills over the side and watched them fall into broken pieces before he got up heading for the door back into the building. Cuddy wasn't to blame here, she had seen all of him all the worst parts and she stayed with him, he had to find her and tell her the truth. He had promised her once that he wouldn't lie to her but this was big. It would change everything. Yet as he was limping down the stairs to find her he bumped into someone running frantically up the stairs.

* * *

They collided straight on as if their gravitational pull had brought them together. Cuddy was going to ask where the pills were but she stared straight into his blue eyes and knew the answer wasn't important. He wasn't high but there was something scaring him to the bone. They were both so scared of losing each other they were making it happen. There were questions that needed to be answered and on House's part truths to be told but at that moment they were just clouded by their intensity for each other. Almost simultaneously they reached out for each other. House pushed her against the wall with a ferocity that she hadn't felt in him ever before. Lisa held his face in her hands as he leaned on the wall for support. Their lips meshed into a whole being that couldn't be separated by any force in the world. They needed to feel each other. They needed to release the emotion, the pent up rage and frustration of loving someone so passionately that they couldn't think straight. Cuddy pulled on his shirt and they dragged themselves down the stairs to his apartment where they broke apart. Once they had managed to get inside they stopped standing with such distance between them. They seemed almost wary of what proximity to each other caused. Lisa looked at his face, he was so terrified by something and it wasn't what she was afraid of it was something worse. There was something and it dawned to her that Cameron knew, that's why she embraced him like she did and why he had been angry before.

"So you can tell Cameron what is bothering you but not me?" Cuddy said her words drenched in hurt at not being the one he could trust, "You can't tell the woman you're meant to love why you're so afraid?"

House's body language changed, his body slumped and Cuddy saw inside his eyes, it seemed like she saw inside his soul, viewing the scared boy that was so alone. He moved over to her not speaking a word and traced her cheek so delicately Lisa wasn't sure he touched her at all.

"Not now, tomorrow."

He was lying and she knew it but as Lisa was about to protest he leant in and kissed her so softly yet in a way he had never kissed her before. Everything was so filled with emotion and Cuddy sensed he just wanted her tonight. He didn't want to think or contemplate what was going to happen in regards to what he was so terrified about House just wanted to hold her. The night they had spent exactly twelve months ago, the night where no words needed to be said and all the confusion could be left for tomorrow. Lisa kissed his lips softly and let the chiffon shirt be unbuttoned and fall off her silk skin. He lifted her and brought her to the bed where he worshiped her. If Cuddy hadn't have known better she would have guessed it was his last day on earth by the way he looked at her with such emotion in his eyes.

* * *

_She knew your life  
She knew your devils and your deeds  
And she said  
Color go to him, stay with him if you can  
Oh but be prepared to bleed  
Oh but you are in my blood you're my holy wine  
Oh and you taste so bitter, bitter and so sweet  
Oh I could drink a case of you darling  
Still I'd be on my feet  
I'd still be on my feet_

_Joni Mitchell- A Case of You_

* * *

**_End Note:_**_ I hope you enjoyed it, please leave your comments and most likely criticisms in your reviews! Thanks!_


	2. Chapter 2

**A Beautiful Disaster**

**By Flameturnsblue92**

* * *

_Author's Note: Hello there, I'm enjoying writing this so much as I've never done anything like this so I hope you are enjoying it too. The encouraging reviews are much appreciated and I have already written up to chapter four and I'm halfway through chapter five so I definitely am continuing so I hope it's not awful to read. I apologise for not warning about the intense angst but is there any other way when it comes to House and Cuddy. The mistakes are all mine and sadly the character's aren't. Enjoy._

* * *

**Chapter Two: Beautiful Disaster**

_"You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not."_

_Jodi Piccoult _

He wanted her to feel him. He wanted to give her a night she wouldn't ever forget. If he died she would be reminded of that night forever. The vision of skin and sheets, the sensuality and the love that he felt but couldn't say in any other way. It wasn't about the physicality of the act but the power of the emotion. The physical need for someone that gets so strong that they couldn't live without each other. Sleep would take her, her body was exhausted from the strenuous emotions they were displaying their hearts and souls on show, but House wasn't as easily swayed by the sandman. Everything would be different when it was known and everyone would be in pain. None more so than the woman sleeping so picturesque on top of him. Their fates seemed to be tied together, bound in a single journey towards suffering and pain. It wouldn't be so hard for him, he would have the treatment they wanted, suffer through the pain and if he was lucky he would get better but his friends and what now had become his family had it worse. They would see it all, the pain, the shell of the man they loved, the chemotherapy and if he didn't pull through…well, House didn't want to think about that.

He pulled his body from her replacing the sheets over her naked body. House's body ached and he felt so unworthy of the beauty sleeping in his bed, unworthy of the love of such an amazing woman. House ran the shower, it was early but he felt the need to cleanse his body, and stepped into the heat hoping that it would ease his painful back. He looked down at his skin Cameron had warned him of the yellowish, at first unnoticeable, tone to his skin that was now growing. His headaches were getting more frequent and painful. House saw the pattern of ignoring the symptoms had gone back for months. Ignoring the headaches, the stomach pain and his inability to hold his drink anymore it was all there to be seen just not by him. Once he left the shower it was still early in the morning and Cuddy was still sleeping so he left her a note on the pillow next to her. He was going to drive across to the breakfast place she loved to make up for the night they had both been so unnecessarily angry and frustrated for.

House made his way in the car after not sleeping at all that night, he had not been able to switch off the feeling of guilt from his worried mind, and the headache was truly taking hold. He was not his usual picture of concentration but he couldn't shake the strange feeling in his mind willing him to stop the car and pull over. He wasn't in any position to drive knowing about his seizure only yesterday evening. House ignored his senses and took the quicker route through the interchange he looked right and saw nothing…

* * *

The morning sun broke through the curtains kissing her face with its gentle warm alarm clock. Lisa reached out to feel his body but the spot that his body had occupied was now ice cold with a little piece of paper in its place. She sat up and read it to herself, "_Gone to get some breakfast and coffee, don't worry I've not run out on you it's my bed your sleeping in. Don't move an inch I won't be long, lobe you. House._" Cuddy laughed out loud sighing happily, she obeyed his command and didn't move an inch only to see the time and go to the bathroom. She waited an hour and a half before she started to worry. Her cell phone was in the living room so Lisa grabbed House's dressing gown and pants before walking into the room. It was dead but House kept a charger at his apartment. Once the phone was again on it rang straight for thirty seconds with voicemail, messages and missed calls from Wilson and Cameron. She took a moment to calm herself it was probably an unrelated hospital emergency House was just stuck in morning traffic.

The phone sounded and it was Cameron, Cuddy answered it immediately, "Lisa Cuddy."

"Thank God, I've been ringing you for about an hour. House…"

Cameron carried on talking but Cuddy couldn't hear what she was saying. A numbing deafness overcame her and her legs carried her to House's room to gather clothes and she was out the door again. The phone had been put down. It didn't matter telling her then what had happened to him she just needed to be there time talking was just a waste of House's time. She prayed to whatever God was out there for him to be alive and well. Cuddy couldn't cope with the prospect of a future without him, knowing the way they could be just like they were together only a few hours ago in bliss, she couldn't go back to what it was like before. Not alone without him knowing that he was the only one in the world capable of it. Cuddy sped through the traffic like a demon pulling dangerously into the emergency car park rushing into the ER and shouting madly for Cameron. Eventually she pulled round from a bay and sighed in relief, "You need to come with me right now."

Cameron marched round to the elevator and practically pushed Cuddy inside pressing the button for floor 3. Cuddy knew it was ICU and it crushed her but whilst they waited Cameron spoke, "Last night what you saw wasn't what it seemed."

"It's really not important now, Alison."

Lisa spat almost viciously towards the young woman. She had recognised the feeling of jealousy toward Cameron a long time ago, the way she openly displayed the affections she felt towards House but now it was because they shared something Cuddy sometimes felt House and her wouldn't, a unique pain. Cameron shook her head, "It is. We haven't ever seen eye to eye maybe that's because we were both in love with the same man but I was never competition. I didn't even come close."

Cuddy frowned in confusion, looking at the beautifully made up Alison and her dressed in sweats she left at House's apartment, "I know you two used to sleep together."

Alison nodded reluctantly, "Yes." They stepped out of the elevator and Cuddy saw Wilson beckoning her in the distance, "But he never loved me at all. How could he when he's always loved you?"

Cuddy looked back at the sad young woman pointing forward, "He's going to need you like he's never before."

She stared at the young woman with expected confusion. Lisa had no idea what was going on but she had the feeling whatever House had been hiding Cameron had been in the middle of it perhaps helping him in a way she couldn't. There was a fight to thank her but also to damn her for not being able to speak about it more clearly. Wilson was shouting her name down the corridor beckoning for her to come.

"Cuddy over here!"

Wilson was growing impatient so Cuddy walked hurriedly over to him, "Where is he?"

He pointed to the side room and Lisa could see through the window. House was lying in a bed with his head bandaged and nasty looking scrapes down his arms and chest. Cuddy pressed her hand up against the window as the doctors in her hospital worked around him, "What happened?"

James shrugged, "They don't really know why he crashed…"

"He crashed!"

Wilson nodded, "On the intersection his car went off the road and into a wall no one was hurt but House. Was something up between you two? Do you think he would do it on purpose?"

Cuddy looked to House and then Cameron who had entered the room full of doctors, "No, he went to get me breakfast I was asleep he left me a note but there was something up. He lied to me last night about needing to stay at the hospital."

"Why would he do that?" Wilson thought it over, "Unless he had something to hide."

She shook her head, "I think it's something more this time, James. Something about him last night screamed terrified not I'm keeping secrets."

The doctors began to leave after being instructed of what tests to do and Cuddy moved into the room leaving Wilson outside. Cameron was his attending, although Lisa wasn't happy about it, and she was looking through his notes.

"He hasn't sustained any major damage which is lucky considering how fast he was going. It's just cuts and minor bruising."

Cuddy stepped up beside House's bed, his face was beginning to bruise where his head had hit the air bag and there was a large bandage covering most of it up. His arms were full of scratches and scrapes but there was a large dressing on his chest where the debris must have pierced him, "Why did he crash?"

Cameron urged Cuddy to sit down next to House's bed and she did taking a hold of House's unconscious hand that was probably giving her more comfort than it was House. She felt the warmth in his skin as she linked her hand around his.

"Before I go into why House crashed I need to explain to you House's medical directives in case he isn't conscious to make a decision as this dictates everything." Cameron placed forms down in front of Cuddy that House himself had signed, "Just before the accident House changed his medical proxy from James Wilson to…" Cuddy looked up in anticipation, "You."

Lisa breathed in heavily due to the shock, she had no idea House had put her down as his medical proxy it meant more to her in the world than he could ever say. House was a man who didn't think about the future never mind what medical crisis he would be in next. It made her question what was going on in his mind that he had to make that decision to change it so suddenly.

"But also House made another directive in the event that his heart stops he does not want to be resuscitated." It hit her hard and she wasn't expecting it too. House might have died in this crash and he didn't want to be resuscitated it didn't make any sense to Cuddy at all, "That can't be true. When did he change this?"

"Yesterday."

"You mean you let him do this! How could you?"

Cuddy didn't mean to get so mad at Cameron but House was unconscious and couldn't answer for his decisions. Alison remained calm and tried to explain the crash instead of getting caught in Cuddy's emotional roller-coaster that was about to take a big dip.

"The crash that House was involved in wasn't an accident." She paused dramatically, "House had a seizure at the wheel that caused him to swerve off the road into the side wall. It was a miracle he didn't take any more severe damage."

"Wait a minute," Lisa was confused by what Cameron was implying, "A seizure? That doesn't make any sense the only time House has had a seizure it was medically induced by himself, that can't be right."

Cameron put the file aside for a second and stared blankly at Cuddy. She was in turn looking to House staring at him with such a worried expression. Alison sighed deeply, "Dr Cuddy what did House tell you he was doing yesterday evening?"

"He didn't."

Cameron sighed, "I don't have the authority to tell you what House was doing as his attending…"

"No…you don't…"

* * *

A voice came from the bed, at some point in their conversation House had woken up and was now visibly livid at the thought of Cameron hinting there was something wrong with him to his girlfriend. He did a quick check of his state and finding no serious damage he quickly turned to Cuddy, "Would you leave please? I need to talk to Cameron."

Cuddy looked at House as if he was talking a different language, "No I will not leave, you have to tell me what is going on! You promised me you wouldn't lie about big things anymore, Greg. You're lying in a hospital bed and now you're being intentionally dense!"

"What business is it of yours what I do with my own body?"

The purely arrogant statement sent Cuddy reeling, "What business? I love you that's my business and," She said walking out in anger, "Sometimes I wish I didn't."

Cameron sat down quietly in the corner knowing that House was in an incredibly awful mood and it was partly her doing that he was in it, "I wasn't going to tell her."

House sat up in his bed, "No, but you were going to indicate that I needed to be asked." He ran his hands over his face, "I had another seizure didn't I, that's why I crashed?"

She nodded, "Your condition is decreasing rapidly. We need pull people in on this House, you need a neurologist and an oncologist to evaluate the stage of the tumours. You need treatment as soon as possible."

House seethed silently in the corner for what seemed an eternity though only mere seconds. He knew so much about medicine, about the stages of grief when being faced with a situation like this but House couldn't help but fall for it. Denial looked so appealing to him.

"I'm not having treatment here."

Cameron erected immediate protest, "House, this isn't something you can put off. You have Cuddy and Rachel to consider, people care about you don't be reckless."

"Am I free to go?"

Alison shook her head, "No! You need to be checked over again and I need to run more tests."

House began to untangle himself from monitors and move up on the bed to get out. As he did Wilson and Cuddy barged into the room, "What do you think you are doing?"

Cuddy motioned to Cameron, "Have you discharged him?"

The doctor sighed angrily, "He is discharging himself and furthermore," She turned to him speaking right into his face, "When you come to your senses and come back here don't bother asking for me. I can't deal with you anymore."

Cameron stormed out of the room and left the other doctors in a bemused silence. Lisa was the first to charge at House who at that moment was shakily on his feet, "House, I swear to God if you don't tell me what the hell is going on with you right now I am going to kill you!"

"Well frankly that isn't much of a threat is it?" House swatted back to Cuddy placing his clothes on wary of his bruises and removed the bandage from his head to reveal a large stitched wound on his left temple, "Now if you excuse me I will be on my way."

Wilson stepped forward, "We aren't letting you leave, House."

"So you are going to physically keep me here? Because I highly doubt you could take me."

House walked right up to Wilson standing nose to nose using his height to try and intimidate but Cuddy asked Wilson to leave them both there together alone. He nodded to Cuddy and left the room reluctantly. Whilst Lisa walked in front of the door standing between House and his way out.

"Are you going to move me, House?" She pleaded, "Rather than telling me the truth because at the moment I have no idea what is going on with you now."

House sat down on the bed trying to look as if he was going to wait her out but Cuddy continued on with her emotional barrage to his blockade, "What is so bad you can't tell me?" She laughed, "Of all the things we have been through together. We've lived a thousand lifetimes in only years but we are still here. Through your leg, Tritter, Trenton, being shot…surely there isn't anything we can't face."

House coughed up a bitter laugh, "We didn't do most of those things together. I did it alone. You butchered my leg, I was shot, humiliated by Tritter and Trenton? Trenton and Lucas I was a thorn in your side I am responsible for ruining your life."

Cuddy jumped to his side her face furrowed in anger, "How could you think that? Me and you…do you know how long I wished you would think of me the way I think of you? You made me realise I was living a lie." She smiled, "So really you saved my life."

House stood away from her walking towards the window looking out at the midday sun, "This is never going to last, we both know it. I will ruin it somehow."

She turned towards him with a sad but knowing smile trying to let him know that she has the same fears but it didn't matter to her. The only thing that mattered to her in that moment was if he was ok, were they ok and why was he keeping such a close guard on this secret.

"Greg," Lisa sighed knowing that the use of his first name was a rarity saved for the most desperate occasions, "Why are you so afraid?"

House took a moment closing his eyes as he was trying to endure the heavy weight of his pain and denial that this was happening to him. He opened them up and took the file that Cameron had left on the desk. House gripped the file hard making his fingers white with pressure. The reality was hitting him that he wasn't alone anymore and it scared him more than if he was alone. At least, House thought, he wouldn't have to tell her. Her face would haunt him and infiltrate everything they did. Every emotion would change, their whole relationship would be based on pity.

"Here." House said throwing the file on the bed and heading to the door, "Read it for yourself."

* * *

He was gone so suddenly leaving a file on the bed. The file clearly read 'House, G. W.' but Lisa paused before she opened it praying on any decency or justice in the world that it wouldn't contain something so bad as House made it seem. It seemed like they had only just found each other, they were still learning about how they were together and it would be cruel after such a short time to take him away. Her fingers traced the outline of his name. There were little things she hadn't ever asked him, like what did the W stand for in his name, where was he born or silly things like his first girlfriend but eventually Cuddy opened the file.

Inside there were results and scan images almost too much to take in at first. The first thing that caught her eye was the medical proxy where her name proudly sat. She picked up a blood form from the previous day everything was clean, two years of sobriety had benefited him so much, but one stood out like a pink elephant in a white room. His white count was way too high but, Cuddy thought, it could be an infection they caused high cell counts but the scan image denied any hope that she had. Tumours. In his liver, on his spine and in his brain. Suspected stage three liver cancer with numerous secondary tumours in his brain and spine. Suddenly she couldn't control her emotions and her eyes began to build up with tears. They fell freely when Lisa thought about the past twenty-four hours, the night that they had spent and the anger that she had thrown in his direction when he had just been told this. She understood why he couldn't tell her, House was a stoic man like she knew his father had been in times of personal grief, he couldn't tell her because it would change everything.

"Hey, where did he go?" Wilson walked in but as soon as he saw her he came to her side and held her, "Lisa, what's wrong…"

His gaze caught the open file and the scan in her hands and he saw the tumours, "Oh god, is that House's?" Cuddy nodded and sobbed silently into his shoulder for a moment before trying to regain her composure knowing that Wilson's opinion would be a good thing to hear at this moment, "What do you think, Wilson? Is it really bad?"

He thought it over checking all the material but the conclusion he made was no comfort to either himself of Lisa, "It's bad. Especially considering he had a seizure whilst driving a car, his liver will start shutting down soon if not already and they might not even be operable. I would have to do more tests."

"How long…"

Wilson shook his head, "Cuddy I can't answer that…"

"James, please…" Lisa looked him dead in the eyes, "I need to know without treatment how long would he have left?"

The oncologist stood up holding the files toward the light and thinking about the worst possible scenario of the life of his best friend. He held back his own emotions and walked back over to Cuddy to offer a shoulder to cry on.

"A year, maybe less."

Cuddy let out a staggered breath of pain. She knew she had to find him as soon as possible. Lisa had to make him know that she would be there beside him every step of the way. This wouldn't break them it would only make them stronger. She would have to be the strong one for both of them and provide what he needed.

"Lisa," Wilson tried to help his shocked friend, "Before you rush off to accuse him of trying to avoid this and doing it alone you should think about why he tried to hide this from you."

Cuddy didn't know what he was trying to say so she let him continue, "You forget but I see this every day. People being afraid not of cancer but of the impact it will have on their loved ones. Think about it House won't have to watch himself get sicker, he is thinking of himself more as a burden and he will believe that you will come to pity him. Not love him like you do now but pity him because he is ill."

* * *

The roof wasn't as peaceful as it was in the night. There were car horns and the muttered sound of people that only made House more stressed out. She would know now. House knew exactly how she would react although he was grateful that he didn't have to see the pity in her face as she saw his prognosis. There would be strong tears, the kind that only Cuddy could cry, reluctant but the emotion would be too strong for her to bare. Wilson would have come to comfort her at this point in turn knowing and it was only a matter of time before one of them found him. Was it too much to be left in peace? He sat on the edge dangling his legs off the side feeling the soft wind at his back. He thought about his life for a moment as he looked up at the clear blue sky. He had always criticised patients for not being able to handle the diagnosis but now he had something worth living for he understood why it was so hard to swallow.

"I thought I would find you up here."

He heard her say from somewhere behind him and her presence near his back staring at him. House turned to the side so he could see her face. She had been crying although a fresh sheet of makeup had been applied over the damage to make her seem less like it affected her at all. They stared in each other's eyes for what seemed an eternity. House saw the fear but he didn't see the pity, he saw plenty of sadness but not what he expected. There was a fire there, like what he should have expected from a woman who had fought so hard to get what she wanted. This was another fight but she had forgotten it wasn't her battle. It was his.

"There isn't anywhere else for me to run."

Cuddy shrugged, "That's never stopped you before."

He smirked sadly as she came to sit opposite him on the ledge although he would have preferred her to stand for her own safety, "Even I have my limitations but I guess now you know that." He sighed staring into the distance, "Wilson will have had his say I'm sure. Given me a year left without treatment, am I right?"

Lisa didn't acknowledge what he had said but only moved it away from what time he had left, "Why didn't you just tell me?" She placed a hand on his thigh, "What makes you think I am going to let you go this easily?"

House would have smirked but a part of his brain wouldn't let it go and he was overcome with an irritating anger, "I am going to do this alone. Not with you. This is my fight, not yours. I'm not taking anyone else down with me. Not you, Rachel or Wilson." He stood off the ledge, "I've decided to get treatment near my mom. It's the best for everyone."

Cuddy immediately fought the idea passionately, "I won't let you leave. You are running away because you think you're going to hurt us. The truth is you will hurt us much more by leaving us now."

He shook his head, "You think that now but the fact is I will be a chopped up, vomiting and bald version of me. Everything you love about me will be gone."

"That isn't true!" Cuddy shouted, "If it was as easy as clicking my fingers to shut my feelings off I would because you keep doing this to me House. I have seen you almost die so many times but each time I get to be there in the end to show Rachel that good does win in the end if you persevere with it!"

House mocked her hope and strong spirit, "This isn't a fairy tale, Cuddy. Rachel will learn that everybody dies and I don't want the first person she loses to be me."

Lisa held a hand out to him to plead, "Please don't do this. I can watch you do a lot of things but I can't watch you walk away from us when you need us most."

"I'm walking away for you," House said sadly, "You will be better off without me."

"If you think that you're more than a fool than I ever thought you were," She moved close to him and stood beneath his imposing stature, "How many years have I known you? How many years have I come back after you've hurt me? I will always come back for you, Greg, because I don't have a choice."

House was getting angry at her resilience to accept his decision, "You don't have a choice now I'm leaving and no matter what you say you can't change my mind. I won't watch people pity me as I die."

The heat of the conversation was quickly rising with the loudness of their tones. Each of them believed what they wanted to do was right and the other was being difficult. House didn't want to do this with Cuddy because he was so used to being alone when dealing with this but Cuddy wouldn't stand for it.

"I will follow you."

He shook his head, "I'm not telling you where I am going."

Lisa stood strong in front of him, "Then I will find out, it can't be hard to track down a Blythe House."

House grabbed her arms and shook her gently in anger, "Don't you get it! I'm doing this for you! I couldn't care less if I jumped off that ledge right now but I do care about you! You can't save me this time. You have to look after yourself and Rachel. I am just an old man who abused everything all his life and got what was coming to him."

Cuddy placed a hand on his cheek, she concentrated hard on his face and noticed that his usual olive skin tones were indeed yellower, she recognised defeat in the fact that House was not a logical man and he would do what he thought he had to. She stroked his face so softly almost treasuring the picture of health that he was now. His handsome face, the slightly grey stubble that graced his jaw and his beautiful blue eyes Lisa would miss them so much but he was decided. Something in his heart was telling him the right thing to do was leave her and Rachel. It broke her heart.

"Ok," She held her hands up in defeat, "Ok, if that's what you need to do. Do it." Cuddy backed away from him giving herself a bit of distance between them, "But if you think you are saving me or keeping me from the pain of losing you you're wrong." Lisa's eyes betrayed her strong persona and spilled reluctant tears from the corner of her eyes, "You've hurt me more by doing this than you've ever done before and I won't forgive you. I want you to see if you can live out the rest of your days with that pain on your conscience. I hope for your sake you can."

* * *

The walk back down to the main floor of the hospital was almost a dream. It was unreal to her what she had just witnessed and lost. To find out in such a short space of time that the man you loved had cancer and then that he was leaving you was all too much for Lisa Cuddy to bear. The past year, the best of her life, was now gone and too painful to remember. The lover that she had so desperately pleaded with to stay had denied all her efforts and was leaving regardless. She walked to her office to be alone and sit in the darkness with her thoughts before her duties as a mother returned when her mother brought back Rachel. The comfy office chair waited for her, to cradle her in its warmth and take the pressure off her body to stay upright. Remembering something she cherished greatly she turned on the laptop on her desk and clicked on the personal file. There was a picture Cuddy had been given by a wealthy donor from a wedding they had attended. House was wearing a black suit and tie, looking dashing as he always does, and she was wearing a beautiful silk evening dress that Cuddy felt amazing in. She always remembered how House had told her she looked hot and how she saw his eyes as he removed it from her body. The way he could make her feel astounded her and Lisa believed that he had no idea what one look from him could do to her. It wasn't fair that someone had that power over her.

Cuddy placed her head in her hands and finally let her barriers down. Her heart sobbed through the walls that House's selfishness had knocked to their most vulnerable. He would be the death of her and she knew it. At that moment Lisa would have given anything for this to be a dream and for him to walk through the door and throw a case at her demanding for a ridiculous test. Their passion and their fight was gone, he had given up on them and she didn't know if she would ever forgive him. From her pocket she felt the vibration of her phone and pulled it out hopefully to see that it was her mother.

"_Finally, do you take years to pick up for everyone or is it just your mother?"_

Lisa sighed heavily, this wasn't the moment she needed Arlene grating on her, "Mom, it's been a hard day. What is it that you want?"

_"Your sister wants to have Rachel over tonight for a sleepover, she promised her and the boys that she would do it for them tonight. I just wanted to ok it with you but I've already told her it was ok."_

Arlene had obviously already planned for this to happen and although Cuddy didn't want to be alone that night in the house after what had happened but she didn't want to disappoint her daughter. Rachel was probably best kept out of this situation for as long as possible.

"Ok, that's fine."

Cuddy slapped herself for saying it with that tone as her mother sensed something was up, "_Lisa, something is wrong I can tell. What has that bastard done?"_

She laughed at the vast nature of the question. None of this was anyone's fault but House had crushed her heart into broken pieces telling her that he had to do this alone. Leaving her to grieve alone when all she wanted to do was be beside him. There was only one way to tell her mother and it was brutal. Like she would have done with House. No sugar coating.

"Mom…" Lisa choked, "He's…He's got cancer and he's leaving…I can't make him stay."

Cuddy heard the older woman cough in surprise and gasp in shock. It was shocking. The speed at that she had everything and then he was gone. Arlene didn't know what to say because in many ways she and House were very similar. She didn't need people helping her, she hated it but she had always accepted it when it was needed.

"_Let him go."_

Lisa furrowed her brow and refused to accept what her mother was saying but the older Cuddy continued, "_He will go. He will realise how much he needs you and he will come running back to you. I know because I did that to your father. He is stubborn like me."_

"I don't know if I can forgive him for this, mom."

Arlene sighed on the phone at her daughter's naivety, "_Of course you will. You love him and he's dying. You don't know how much time you might have. I know what it's like to lose the man you love. Trust me you won't care."_

* * *

_He's magic and myth  
as strong as what I believe  
a tragedy with  
more damage than a soul should see  
And do I try to change him?  
So hard not to blame him  
Hold on tight  
Hold on tight_

_Oh 'cause I don't know_  
_I don't know what he's after_  
_But he's so beautiful_  
_Such a beautiful disaster_  
_And if I could hold on_  
_Through the tears and the laughter_  
_Would it be beautiful?_  
_Or just a beautiful disaster_

_Kelly Clarkson_

* * *

_End Note: So another drama filled chapter I hope. If your reading I would ask if you have the time to give me a little review even if you hated it. They give me something to work towards :) Thanks for reading. I will post again in about two days I think!_


	3. Chapter 3

**A Beautiful Mess**

Author's Note: Hello again guys, I really am thankful for all the reviews that I have received and I want you to know that the chapter after this is a really intimate chapter between House and Cuddy but in their own special way. It's been very fun to write so I will post that maybe tomorrow or the day after. Also I thought I would point out **YES** House's behaviour is meant to be a extreme he's not rational and the tumour is affecting his judgement. Secondly, proper grammar and spelling have not been easy for me I'm dyslexic and majorly struggle with sentence structure etc. I'm only an amateur trying to improve so please forgive my mistakes :)

I really hope you enjoy this one is a bit of a roller coster, review and come back soon!

* * *

**Chapter Three: For You from Me**

_"__No one really knows why they are alive until they know what they'd die for."_

_Martin Luther King Jr._

It was late and he had thought so much about getting on the train to his mother's house in the country. There would be clear air and starlight to soothe his aching body. Yet since he last spoke to Cuddy so much had passed through his broken mind. Wilson had sent him at least twenty irate voicemail messages about how he had broken Cuddy's heart and how they all applauded the selfishness by which he lived his life. Time had passed so quickly since then as he sat on a park bench near her apartment. The rain had soaked well into his bones but he didn't care. He pulled out his phone and read the only message Cuddy had sent him since they had fought. It was no words just a picture of the two of them together, dancing at a benefactors wedding. She had looked beautiful but he hadn't been able to say that at the time. It was probably one of the best nights of his life as they danced he had felt amazing to have her and for him to be hers. It seemed foolishly childish at the time but now he recognised what she was saying. They had collided together so many times and each time they became stronger regardless if they had been together or not. It wasn't about pity or fixing him as he had always imagined. It was about having someone beside you that was prepared to go to any lengths to be there, regardless of the hardship or the pain, and loved you as much as you did them. That's what House had found in Lisa Cuddy, so why was he running from the only woman who had the ability to save him from drowning?

House had walked for a long time in the evening light following them it had lead him to the park down the road from her house. The park that they had both played with Rachel, even if somewhat reluctantly, he could see her little bright face laughing and Lisa looking like she couldn't have been happier. Rain now dripped from his nose but House didn't know what to do. Cuddy had spoken with seriousness when she said she wouldn't ever forgive him but he hadn't really gone had he. He let his head hit the back of the wooden bench closing his eyes as the rain dropped onto his face. This time it was all up to him to make it up.

He rose heavily off the chair and began to limp toward her home. Even if she turned him away in anger he had to try because in that moment he wanted her more than he had ever in his life. All he wanted was to hold her in his arms, too feel her hands clasp over his and fall into a dreamless sleep. The walk took less time than he had anticipated and he had no time to figure out what he was going to say if she even opened the door at the late hour. House knew he had to try.

* * *

The music played softly as she swayed to the comforting tones of Joni Mitchell with her glass of whiskey taken from the bottle she had purchased for their one year anniversary. It reminded her of him, warm and spiced with a hint of sweetness but not too much. The bed was too much to tackle and she had opted to fall asleep next to the fire or on the sofa. Perhaps if she was feeling brave she would put on the shirt that he had left that still had a lingering scent of him but it was all too much for her to take. Lisa had never been one for soppy breakups. She hadn't sobbed into pictures or become angry and cut up shirts there wasn't time in her life for that but Cuddy knew this was different. It wasn't a fling, casual or just a teenage crush it had been the real thing something she wouldn't ever find again. She had no idea where he was, Wilson had been camped out in his apartment and others had been sent to his usual haunts but he hadn't surfaced.

Suddenly the doorbell rang and she knew better than to get her hopes up it was most likely Wilson checking up on her making sure she wasn't drinking herself into a stupor. She walked over tying her dressing gown and moving to unlock the locks she had placed on the door. The door swung open and it took her a moment to register who the sodden mess was. It was him. He had come back to her just as her mother had told her he would. As she was about to start House held up a wet hand in protest,

"Please don't, just hear me out." He paused, "Just listen, please."

He walked in out of the rain without speaking a word and closed the door. Then he put down his cane and removed the outer layer of his sodden clothing. House then moved back to her dressed his wet shirt dripping on the exact spot they had kissed after Cuddy lost Joy. They looked at each other for a moment before House spoke again. His tone as deep as she had ever heard it and as remorseful as it had ever been too.

"I'm an idiot." He started running a hand through his wet hair dampening it down against his head, "I thought I could do it on my own." House paused staring at her with brutal honest his eyes looking more frightened than she had ever seen, "I need you." He looked for the words but his head was making it hard to think, "You're the only person who has the guts to call me out when I'm being an idiot. I'm sorry I walked away but I thought I was doing it for the right reason."

Cuddy fought the urge to be close to him out of the pain she had been put through in the last twenty-four hours. He had turned around so many times. What was stopping him from walking out of the door in the morning once again? She wanted to be able to forgive him as easily as her mother had promised but it wasn't that simple. Rachel and her hearts were on the line.

"What is stopping you from going back to doing it alone?" She moved away from him leaning on the door frame as she had done when they argued over Joy, "You have no idea what power you hold over my life!" Cuddy shouted out the anger that she felt since he had so stupidly left, "I can't do this anymore, Greg. I can't watch you try and destroy yourself over and over because it's killing me."

House sank against the door as if it was too hard to keep his aching body upright and tried not to let his emotions show to her upon his eyes, "You want me to go?"

Lisa stepped forward and adamantly denied his accusation, "No! I want you to promise me…"

"I can't promise, Cuddy. I'm an addict whether or not I take pills anymore my life has always been about cutting and running…" Lisa was turning away her eyes reddening as if the pain of this conversation was becoming all too much, "I can't make those promises you want. I never could."

Cuddy had almost walked through the back rooms to get away from him but House shouted after her, "But I can show you. I can show you I'm not going to leave ever again…"

Lisa turned her head slightly but didn't commit her body to the turn, "Isn't that a promise?"

"No, this is a once in a life time sort of thing." He shook his head in disbelief at what he was about to try and do as Lisa faced him but refused to come down to him, "I know I make you cry, I know I've hurt you but do you really feel alive without me?"

He didn't let Cuddy speak but he moved forward having dried more yet still in his shirt and underwear, "I've mocked so many people for believing in its sanctity but right now I can't think of anyone but you I would become a hypocrite for."

Lisa was so confused she was staring at him with such a furrowed expression, "What are you talking about, House?"

"Marry me."

House said in a quick burst as if he needed to say it quickly to be able to say it at all and as Cuddy was about to protest he moved over to her and put a hand on her cheek. He smirked, "This is the only way I can prove that I am here…and I'm not going anywhere." House laughed to himself almost hysterically for a second before looking at her again, "I want everything you want. It's taken me forty-seven years to realise I don't hate marriage I just don't want to marry anyone but you."

Nothing was said from either of them anything but House was eagerly waiting on her answer and Cuddy was aware. She remembered the time that he had last come to her soaking wet and drunk but pledged he wouldn't ever leave her despite her making him a worse doctor. Cuddy was having a hard time believing he was genuine.

"This isn't a passing, Lisa." House pulled out the photo on his phone that she had sent him to make him think about what they had. He passed it too her, "That night when I say Mr and Mrs Bozo getting married I thought to myself why anyone would do this…" Lisa was about to protest why was he doing it but he placed his hand over her lips, "But I turned to you. I remember turning to you, not staring at the bride but at the groom. I looked at him and saw at that moment Mr Bozo thought he was the luckiest guy in the world." House looked down at her taking his hand away, "I feel that now."

He took her hand in his callous ones and smirked, "I'm not saying I'm going to turn into Mr Bozo but think about it, it's would be me and you against the world."

"You're not thinking straight, House" She tried to pull away from him, "This isn't like you, you're being emotional. House we don't know how your condition is affecting your judgement."

"I know damn straight what I'm saying."

House let go of her hand for a moment walking into the bedroom grabbing the sweat pants and dry shoes that were in his draw. He put them on and went into the side garage that his bike and leathers were in. Then he walked back to her, "I'm not leaving town or going away but I'm going to let you think about it. I'm going to go back to my apartment and if you decide you know where to find me."

* * *

When he arrived at his apartment he found it open and full of people. House was greeted by Wilson, Cameron, Chase and Foreman who were shocked by his sudden appearance. As he was equally shocked by theirs but they saw the small smile on his face. Wilson had been texted by Cuddy telling him House was ok so he already knew that House had been there.

"Where the hell have you been?"

They all said simultaneously and House smirked, "Can't a guy who's just been told he's dying have a freak out?"

He sniggered going to the fridge to grab a beer, "Look, I'm not going anywhere so you don't have to stand on ceremony. I'm not going to leave plus you have working legs that can catch me pretty fast anyway."

Cameron stepped forward, "You need to get the hospital as soon as possible. We need to find out what is the next step."

"Right now, I'm waiting for an answer and enjoying a beer." House said nonchalantly, "Tests can wait."

Wilson shook his head, "House, I don't think you know how serious this is. We graded the tumours wrong, they have spread quicker than we anticipated. This is intermediate stage four. We don't know if it has or is in the process of spreading further."

House took it on the chin having suspected this already due to the lack of localisation of the tumours in the first place, "At the moment I don't care."

Foreman sighed, "House, this is serious. You can't avoid this like you do everything else, this isn't something you can just get up and walk away from. The tumours in your brain alone will need extremely delicate and life threatening surgery. If they can even be removed."

The diagnostician stood up putting his beer on the table, "Do you think I am stupid? I am one of the best doctors in the world I think I know what my chances are. So if you don't mind I would like one last night before I have a lifetime of being poked, prodded and cut up! That's if I last that long. So please don't let the door hit you on the way out."

House sat straight back down and turned on the television but as the rest of the room were about to try to leave they opened the door to see someone already standing there. Cuddy was stood there with a hand raised ready to knock. Wilson greeted her knowing that she had been through some difficult times in the past twenty-four hours.

"Maybe you can talk some sense in to him."

James said passing her by with the rest of House's past and present team, "We were wrong about the stage of his cancer it's much more advanced than we thought originally. He needs to be in hospital."

Lisa Cuddy closed her eyes in defeat but opened them and nodded not saying a word Wilson thought to himself it was almost like she hadn't taken in anything that he had just said. They walked away from the room leaving House, who was obliviously watching television, and Cuddy standing there waiting to be seen.

* * *

"Are you going to ignore me all night?"

House, not turning to her direction, simply stated by looking at his watch, "Technically its morning so you would be sitting there all morning not all night."

Lisa shook her head in annoyance moving to the single arm chair beside the sofa he was currently sitting on with a beer in one hand and the remote in another pretending like there was nothing more between them than a casual acquaintance.

"The question still stands."

He switched the channel not paying her any attention but muttering the words, "I can't answer your question until you answer mine. Then again by not being able to answer mine I already have an answer. So yes I am going to ignore you until you leave."

Lisa sighed with frustration he was being intentionally irritating because he was angry. He actually wanted to marry her but somehow Cuddy had never thought this situation would arise and didn't know how to deal with it. She had never thought, without gentle persuasion, that House would be ok with the idea of being married.

"It isn't as easy as that and you know it. You can't tell me you're leaving me and then turn up asking me to marry you! You aren't thinking rationally you have a brain tumour! This is ridiculous!"

"Why is it so hard for you to decide?" House switched off the television and slammed down his beer, "Either you love me and want to marry me or you don't. It's a simple either or question regardless of my health. We can move forward or we can stop."

Stop? Cuddy thought to herself and it all became a little clearer, "You want me to either marry you or you're going to leave me?"

House thought about it for a long time before looking her straight in the eye, "That's not what I originally meant but now I think it's a good choice. You either want this or you don't. You better make your mind up fast apparently I might not have long."

"Of course I want to be with you but I don't want to jump into marrying you because you're afraid of dying."

He sniggered bitterly, "I'm not afraid of dying. Of all the things I'm afraid of in this situation dying is not one of them." House stood up walking to his fireplace leaning on it hanging his head between his arms before looking back at her, "You wanted me to put down proof that I wasn't going to leave again and I made the ultimate commitment to you and it's still not enough is it? Nothing I ever do is enough for you. So just stop." He walked over to the door, "This time it's my right to be angry, so I want you to leave."

Lisa rose but had no intention of leaving, "Are you breaking up with me for the second time in less than twenty-four hours?"

House motioned to the door, "There's no point. You don't trust me enough to believe I'm going to stay or love me enough to marry me so I don't see how we can move from here. So I would rather you left me alone to wallow in misery for whatever time I have left."

Cuddy slowly dragged her feet to the door sensing the serious under tones in his voice. He was really upset that he bore his soul for her to see and Lisa didn't seem to want to marry him but she knew he didn't understand her point of view. So she left him standing in the doorway not looking back or turning to see if he was serious because she knew he was. For once Cuddy had managed to hurt the man whose pain tolerance was seemingly infinite. He had wanted to face this with her, to be her partner but something in Cuddy couldn't give him that and held her back. This time Lisa was the one with the problem and they both knew it.

* * *

"Is Cuddy not coming?"

House shook his head, "Nope, so we better get on with this freak show then."

They were all sat in House's outer office with the new image results of House's body and brain. Tests were placed on the board and the results next to him but it was clear to everyone it was going to be a long journey. Wilson and Foreman were leading the meeting as they were both taking on House's case. They were talking for hours about him but not too him. Other doctors came and went said their peace about surgery or a new trial of chemotherapy but House just sat in silence. He closed his eyes, he wished he could go back to that morning that they had laid in bed talking about having a day off work. It seemed like years ago when it was only days previous. House's mind was taking its fair share of the burden, his memory was becoming erratic so much so he had to concentrate to remember what happened five minutes ago if it was particularly bad. The colour of his skin was ever yellowing but it was the weight loss that had become striking to those looking at him. It was a slow and subtle process going under the radar until now he was in the later stages. The symptoms were all hitting him but House knew that he had been ignoring niggling worries for at least a month. He had let this slide so far and he couldn't control it now. It had changed his whole life.

"House?"

He opened his eyes to see people staring at him. For a moment he turned his head to see Cuddy passing outside the door her eyebrows furrowed in confusion at why they were all in there without her. Wilson and company beckoned her in but her eyes met with House's in a numb exchange and she continued on noticeably dragging her heels along the floor.

"We have come up with a treatment plan starting immediately," Wilson started briefing everyone together, "Me, Dr Chase, Dr Foreman and Dr Berkley are leading House's treatment with help from a few other surgeons and specialists. Because the primary cancer has spread from the liver that's where the concentration is on first as it is the fastest growing with multiple tumours. We've already put House on the delayed transplant list but to ensure that he gets the liver he has to be given the all clear on the other tumours in his body." Wilson took a deep breath in and noticed that Cuddy had slipped into House's main office and was listening in out of House's view, "So we are going to start with a RFA treatment with possibly a round or two of chemo to stop the growth. Meanwhile Dr Foreman and the neurosurgeons are going to remove the tumour in the brain and start a scheme of radio therapy to prevent regrowth. Finally the last tumours are located on the top vertebrae and a course of radiotherapy will be used and possibly surgery to remove the whole tumour."

House was trying to take it all in but as he was about to speak he heard a small sigh behind him and he knew it was Cuddy. She must have snuck in through the other office door to hear how bad the treatments were going to be and know she knew. House didn't turn around and he didn't say anything Wilson continued to talk to the other doctors before coming over to him knowing full well Cuddy would be able to hear.

"We also have to talk about your fertility."

House looked up at him, "I don't see why. It's not an issue."

Wilson sighed, "Not now but in years to come afterward you and Cuddy might want to…"

He stood up and walked over the wheel chair they had brought for him to take him down to put the central line in as a precaution but looked back to Wilson now seeing Cuddy, "I don't think me and Cuddy will be wanting to do anything anymore."

[House]

"What was that about?"

Wilson said following Cuddy back to her office, "It's like he didn't want you there at all. I thought you guys had sorted things out."

Lisa sat down at her desk, "Well I guess you could say we both managed to make it ten million times worse." Wilson looked her with an expression that clearly meant she needed to explain further and she looked around the room for words to try and help her, "He asked me to marry him."

The oncologist looked stunned and fell to a seating position on one of the sofas next her desk, "What?"

Lisa nodded, "Yes, he came over I told him I couldn't trust him to not to leave again and he said marry me. Like it was this magical solution to all our problems."

Wilson was beginning to understand House's coldness towards her and the exchange they had shared when he had tried to make Cuddy come into the room as she was walking past. Obviously Cuddy had not accepted his proposal or this would not have been a problem.

"So you said?"

Cuddy sighed, "I didn't say anything but that was enough of an answer for him apparently, then he told me to get out."

"Well can you blame him," Wilson said as if it was obvious to everyone but her, "The man hates marriage and he asked you. Whether or not it was the right time it was a brave for House to do. I know you're thinking about the tumour but it's not really in a location to massively affect his judgement."

Cuddy got up to sit opposite Wilson on the sofa, "He was only doing it to try and prove that he wasn't going to leave. Not because he believes anything in marriage."

"How do you know that? He might not believe in marriage but he knows what he means to you. House doesn't think like the rest of us, he was trying to prove something to you in the terms that would matter to you the most." Wilson said simply, "He was trying to do something for you. Now in his mind he thinks you would think about marrying Lucas but not him."

She hadn't thought he would connect that to this situation but Cuddy suspected that is exactly what had happened. House didn't understand why she would agree to marry Lucas but, and even though he is very sick, she still couldn't agree to marry him. Lisa had never put the two of them in the same box. House was so very different and Lucas had all but been forgotten.

"It seems to me that all this fighting over why he left and why he couldn't tell you says a lot about him and not an awful lot about you." Wilson said standing up getting ready to leave the office, "House was scared not of dying but of telling you that he was dying. He wasn't prepared for that, to have someone he cared about more than his own life. If he hadn't been in that car crash how long would he have kept up the facade that he was fine."

"It's not stupid…" Cuddy admitted, "I can't marry him now. Not like this." She let her walls down to the only true friend she had left looking at him with a sadness that couldn't be quantified, "What if he dies?" Lisa paused breathing heavily, "I couldn't come back from that…being his widow. Being Mrs House for the rest of my life knowing that I won't…I can't love anyone else like him."

Wilson smiled sadly, "It seems you've got a dilemma to solve. You can both be happy for whatever time he has left or be miserable for the rest of your life. You can spend the rest of the time being in the other room, eves dropping and wondering if he made that proposal genuinely. Speaking from experience," He sighed thinking about Amber and how he still loved her so much. "When you lose someone life is hard but the memory of being the happiest you've ever been stays with you forever. House is in bad place, he's in a really bad way and he needs you whether he would admit it now or not. Because he's angry now he's thinking with even less logic than before. He has a great chance to still live a normal life but for him to succeed, he needs you there by his side to tell him when he's wrong and to hold his hand when the pain is too much. Maybe being his wife was the only way for House to show you that he was willing to put himself on the line. The question is, are you?"

* * *

The surgery slot had been set for the next morning. It was sudden but House knew Cuddy or Wilson would have changed the schedules to make sure people fit him in as soon as possible. He wouldn't have to wait like everyone else but in the end it was also because his cancer was more severe than anyone had anticipated. It had only been three days but he his condition was worsening more and more each day. His health would depend on so many things, whether he could have surgery, radiotherapy, chemo and then have a liver transplant. It was all even riskier when House considered the rate of infection and the chances of the treatment either killing him or making him sicker. It was late in the night now, he sat in his private hospital room in his normal clothes having refused to wear the robes, and he stared at the ceiling. The next morning they would open up his head and scoop out the tumours. The chances of him having brain damage or not even waking up were huge but Wilson smiled with valiant support through the pre-surgery waffle and tried to make up for the fact that Cuddy wasn't there. House wasn't sure if her being there would have helped him very much but the distraction would have been nice.

He turned to the clock on the table beside the bed it was nearing midnight and the hospital would soon be on skeleton staff. There would hardly be a sound. He couldn't sleep though his mind was far too active to let him sleep the night before surgery. His thoughts drifted back to Cuddy, she was his medical proxy and she would have to be there just in case. House thought about what it would have been like to be married to her, it was a strange thought to think on the brink of what he was doing. He had never liked the idea of being married to someone from observing his own parents and the marriages of those around him. They changed people, Wilson had married so many times and it never seemed to work, his father had so many issues he just ended abusing his mother and her devotion to him. He had never wanted any of that but now the future didn't look so bright it was all he could think about. Blythe would have loved to have Cuddy as a daughter in law and Rachel as a granddaughter. She would look out for them if he died and in turn Blythe would have had a family that she never dreamt he could give her. Maybe it was selfish of him to assume that Lisa would be able to cope without him if they were married, being Mrs House, but House always thought she was the strongest woman in the world. They had thrown so much at each other but they were still standing strong. It was so confusing to him that she couldn't even tell him no, no would have been a definite answer but all she gave him was nothing. Not in the distant past Cuddy was ready to marry Lucas Douglas of all people, she was prepared to marry a man-child but not the man she left him for. The man that was dying of cancer and she had supposedly loved all along. Apparently he wasn't worth the risk but he started to consider it from her view.

The way he had been acting over the last few days had been manic. Everything was so intense and so dramatic that even House didn't know what he was doing anymore. Could he really blame Cuddy for not jumping on the crazy roller coaster that he had been driving? She was a woman who meticulously planned every part of her life. Was it him who was being the unreasonable one to ask her to marry him after finding out he was dying?

House wasn't seething with anger anymore, the drugs they had given him to prevent infections and before surgery nonsense had dulled his senses. He couldn't tell anymore how he felt or what he wanted to say because he couldn't trust himself. The tumour could have made him think asking her to marry him was a brilliant idea but he would never know. House had a sense though that came from a different place inside of him. The place that was afraid of losing her so badly.

"Don't think too hard," A voice spoke out from the entrance of his room into the darkness, "that clever head of yours needs to rest."

It was her. Part of him liked her audacity of coming to his room at such a late hour whereas another part didn't want to talk to her anymore. They had gone from everything to nothing in the space of three days and it was too much for any man with his prospects to bear. He didn't say a word but Lisa walked into the room sitting on the edge of his bed looking out at the stars through the open window. She exhaled loudly at his silence.

"Are you still ignoring me?"

House still remained silent just staring at her with curiosity, "Ok, that makes it easier for me if you aren't going to speak." She turned to him, "I have to make you understand why I couldn't answer your question." Lisa smiled slightly hoping for a glimpse of the man she loved in the hard shell, "I know your mind has probably run through a lot of possibilities including why I accepted Lucas and not you." She laughed to herself, "Funny he never even crossed my mind until Wilson said it. I didn't say yes because I don't know if I could handle doing something so meaningful and special with you only to lose you. I didn't say no because I love you and I do want to marry you."

She placed her hands on his legs, "Do you see what I'm saying? I wanted to marry you but I couldn't bear to lose you."

House shifted uncomfortably failing to see the point of this new midnight exchange, "I don't see how this changes anything."

She raised her hands in frustration, "How can you not? When you told Wilson today that fertility wasn't a problem for you or the fact you wouldn't let me be in there with you when they were telling you your options. It hurt me."

He shrugged nonchalantly, "You made your decision and you don't like it now. I'm sorry that's not my fault."

Cuddy sighed, "I didn't make a decision, House. You didn't let me."

House looked at her in confusion, "I don't understand."

She stepped off the bag and routed through her belongings until she concealed what she had found, "I want to be with you. In every way possible, I don't want to stand by the side lines and watch you go through surgery and treatment. I want to be there beside you. So I guess you will have to answer my question."

Cuddy pulled out the items she had concealed in her palms. There were two boxes, small ring sized boxes, and she handed one to House keeping the other in her hand. She opened hers and shows a diamond ring with a platinum band it was simple but stylish enough to adorn her delicate fingers. House slowly opened the box and there was a plain platinum ring sat in the velvet rib. He had no idea what to say, she had gone out and found these for them the night before his surgery and come back to admit that she did want to marry him. She took the box from his hand removing the ring and discarding the packaging on the bed. Lisa also handed him the box that her ring was sat in and he did the same as without instruction. She took his hand in hers and placed the ring on his finger and handed her hand for him to do the same. House wordlessly took her hand in his and delicately slipped the ring on her hand. They looked into each others eyes for the first time in days with a kind of brutal honesty showing how they felt. Everything might not end up being alright but at least they would do it together.

* * *

_Everything we want will be holding us  
Together tonight, tonight  
Unexpected, I'm not used to chasing dreams and catching them  
All of a sudden I'm the winner in the end  
I'm used to every door I open closing  
Always making sure I'm not supposing  
I can't believe I'm really here_

For you from me  
I give it away so easily  
Never stop to look at what's behind  
For you from me

_Jon McLaughlin_

* * *

_End_ Note:Now I hope you didn't think it was too unlike House but he's in a crazy place right now and he's doing crazy things. I assure you that he will be back to his Houseian ways in the next chapter. I don't know anything about medicine so don't criticize I'm just making it up as I go along! Please be kind and review and I will be back in a day or two with chapter four that is a bit of a mammoth of a chapter to!


	4. Chapter 4

**A Beautiful Mess**

_Author's Note: Hello! Thanks for all the amazing reviews you guys left I really appreciate it. Now the next chapter is finally here and I have made a real effort to make it a bit lighter on the angst and description. Much more dialog and much more honest interaction between Cuddy and House finally! I hope you are still enjoying this because I am loving writing it! This should be an extra long chapter for those still reading! The mistakes are mine, I don't know anything about medicine but the idea is all mine! So hope you like it!_

* * *

**Chapter Four: This Years Love**

_"The best way out is always through."_

_Robert Frost_

The morning came quicker than they both had anticipated but they woke up side by side in the hospital bed covered in the thin sheets. House looked down at her hand with a cheeky smirk, he couldn't believe that she proposed to him and that they were sort of already married without the ceremony. He couldn't help but feel a sense of dread in less than two hours they would be taking him into surgery. They were going to cut open his skull and take the tumour out. He'd seen it a thousand times but this thousandth and first time seemed so much more risky.

"Morning."

Wilson walked into the room to see the two of them together, Lisa sitting cross legged on the end of the bed and House lying down along it. The first thing that caught his eye was Lisa's ring and then House's and he smiled like a demon. House groaned at his feminine display towards their engagement.

"Please don't go all pansy on me now when you're about to assist cutting my head open."

Wilson smirked looking to Cuddy, "I'm glad the two of you decided to get your act together. No one else would have you."

They laughed but it was short lived. The conversation was bound to a certain destination and none of them could help it. Wilson placed House's hospital gown on the bed and instructed him to put it on and get comfortable in the bed. They would be taking him down to surgery in thirty minutes to get him prepped and under. He left the two of them to talk. House changed in the bathroom and returned to the bed still wearing the ring that Cuddy had given him.

"The beginning of the end."

House muttered melancholic and looked up at her for comfort. Lisa smiled sadly and sat beside him on the bed. She leaned into kiss him holding his head between her hands cradling his face almost. Their kiss was harder than it should have been but they thought there was a possibility it would be their last. House knew the odds were the surgery would be fine and without a hitch.

"Don't you dare die on me in there." Cuddy whispered letting their heads fall so they were just touching, "I won't ever forgive you and I will find you in hell and drag you back out."

House laughed, "Better get my running shoes on then."

They looked at each other and smirked. Other couples would have been more affectionate but they knew where they stood. They had a future. House, Cuddy and Rachel. They would have a family however dysfunctional it was it was theirs.

"It's time to go, House."

Wilson's voice echoed in the room and Cuddy held out her hand for him to take. They would walk down together as far as she was allowed to go. Then Lisa would sit and watch the surgery until he was safely out in the recovery unit. As they walked down to the OR people smiled to him, full of pity looks, as he went by. A few people wished him good look and a few others looked genuinely worried about how Cuddy was coping. The doors came into view and they looked at each other. The bed stopped and their kissed briefly. House was then taken through the doors, away from Cuddy's comforting grasp and into the unknown.

* * *

The surgery lasted six hours. Six hours that Cuddy and Wilson anxiously awaited through. It was excruciating for all of them. At the start it was Cuddy in the observation room, then Wilson but over the six hours all the people who cared about House slowly drifted in. Cameron, Chase, Thirteen, Taub and Foreman was in the OR down below looking up at them all occasionally. When House was removed from the OR they met Foreman outside.

Cuddy confronted him first, "What happened? Is he ok?"

Foreman sighed, "He's stable but we couldn't get all the tumour…"

They all exhaled in frustration, all being doctors, they knew it meant that House would have to go through chemotherapy to try and get rid of the rest of the tumour they couldn't remove. Foreman excused himself after the long surgery and left them to it. They all followed Cuddy to the ICU where House would be until he was stable. Lisa left all of them behind at the door, only one person was allowed, and walked over to his bed side. He was hooked up to numerous machines, helping him breathe and keeping him stable through the recovery. Cuddy sat down beside his bed taking hold of his hand. She sighed holding his hand tight in her hands, how many times was she going to do this? How many times could Lisa sit beside his unconscious body in one life time?

He would have to go through so much more now that they knew they couldn't remove all the tumour. Chemotherapy. The gift that kept on giving, Cuddy thought sarcastically, it was almost worse than the cancer itself. It was a brutal treatment that took away as much as it helped. House would have to battle against so much but it seemed the odds were not in his favour. It would be added to his ever increasing list of treatments that he would face when he recovered from this surgery. The more he had the longer he had to wait for a new liver, the longer he waited for that the sicker he would get and Cuddy couldn't help but think if House was himself he would have a better opinion. He always saw it much clearer than everyone else. The puzzle would be like crystal sea water, his handsome face would light up and he would have the answer. Like he had done so many times before. Cuddy looked at the ring on his hand, it was strangely more comforting for her than she imagined it was for House right at that moment. It gave her a sense of future, something to look past all the pain they were about to face and see that there would be a life at the end of it. There would be hope at least for her that they could be 'normal', or as much as they could, at the end of it and House would be better.

"He won't wake up for a while yet," A young nurse moved behind her checking on House's equipment, Cuddy didn't recognise her so assumed she must be new, "It's going to be a bit of a wait at the moment." She smiled sincerely, "Is he your husband?"

Lisa laughed sadly to herself at the young woman noticing the rings they were both wearing, "No, we're engaged and I know it's going to be long but I would prefer to wait."

She smiled, "I'm Lucy, if you need anything Miss…"

"Lisa, Lisa Cuddy."

Her face drained of colour as if the name had registered somewhere in her brain and she assumed she had put her foot in her superiors business, "Oh Dr Cuddy I'm so sorry…"

Lisa smiled, "Don't, its fine. I'm not the ice queen people accuse me of. It's good to know we have some good nurses down here."

Lucy looked relieved instantly and checked House's chart as she would do each hour for his observations, "He is doing well, looks like the surgery went as well as can be expected. I hope that's at least some comfort for you until he wakes up."

Cuddy smiled at the young nurse, she was doing her best to try and calm her nerves about House's condition as her medical knowledge was numbed do to his state but it was a hopeless task. Lisa was well aware that Lucy would possibly become a well-known friend from how much time she would be spending on this floor, "I'm afraid until he wakes up no comfort is going to help me but thanks for trying." Cuddy looked up at her with a face of pure gratitude, "How long have you worked here?"

"Three months, I work here and oncology so I guess that accounts for my face being new." Lucy said putting down the chart, "You and Dr House however a topic of…are well conversation in the hospital."

"Comes with the territory," Cuddy replied, "I suppose in a way me and him are very similar. We both piss off a lot of people although I might add I do it unintentionally. Him on the other hand I don't think I can say the same for him."

The nurse laughed, "I have only heard legends. I haven't ever dared to enter the third floor yet!"

Cuddy smiled fondly at the memory of him walking into her office so many times over the years. The mad stunts that he had pulled and the many times they had argued secretly enjoying the passionate word battles. She berated herself for not realising the way they had always been attracted to each other.

"He certainly is a handful but he's never boring."

Lucy sat for a moment with her, "I know this isn't my place but I have a break due maybe you would like to talk about him, you know if you want to that is. Of course if you don't…"

"Actually," Cuddy spoke before the young woman could finish, "I would like that, feels nice to talk about him to someone who doesn't…let's just say people in this hospital tend to have preconceived ideas about what he's like."

They spoke for what seemed hours but in reality it was a lot shorter. Lucy seemed to like listening to Cuddy speak and she was just grateful there was someone to listen. She spoke about how they first met, some of the things that had happened and the funny moments of the years. It was nice to think about all the amazing things they had been through. After a while Lucy left to return to her duties but Cuddy felt a lot better. It was strange that talking about him made her feel so at ease. Thankfully, House came round quickly as expected. He didn't say anything but he opened his eyes and then he rolled them when Cuddy showed any sort of concern. That was all she needed to know. He was fine. For now.

* * *

The next few days were difficult for both House and Cuddy. There was little he could do in bed without frustrating himself or being told that he was doing too much. He couldn't risk moving much in the early days as the drain in his head might become lodged and the pressure would be too much for him post op. Cuddy saw on her routine rounds to his room nurses rushing out of the private room he had been moved to. They cursed under their breath and Lisa smiled. It meant he was getting back to normal. The worry being that in surgery other parts of the brain integral to speech and movement could have been damaged. Yet House had seemingly pulled through against the odds and was due for a scan that morning to see what was left of the tumour. Cuddy was over the first hurdle, back to juggling House, her worries, her job and Rachel. Luckily for her and not so much for House, Blythe had been called by Wilson. She had been horrified to learn of his condition but eager to come help all she could for her only child. Though House wasn't pleased they went behind his back Cuddy would be thankful of the help. Rachel was at the age where eating shoes and being entertained by loud noises was passing. She was very quickly learning how to talk and moving on to questioning everything that she saw. It would have been a beautiful part of her life if Lisa had the energy to answer all her queries.

It was noon and soon the thoughts passed out of her troubled mind. She had taken to spending her free time in his room with him making sure that he wasn't exerting his body too much. Cuddy walked through smiling at the sight of him asleep. The surgery had been hard on him but he told them the headaches had improved and that he felt ok. It was far from the truth and Cuddy knew it. He was losing weight fast and his energy was fading from what a man of forty-seven should be. It didn't seem fair that he was suffering so much and he couldn't tell them but that is what House did. If he was in pain, he was in it alone and that was a barrier that all the treatment he would be going through would test. She sat next to him on the chair envying his ability to sleep. Every time Lisa slept her mind mocked her so vindictively. She dreamt of a wedding, a private one on a beach somewhere, just their friends and no one else. Little Rachel in a beautiful white dress and there he would be at the end of the short beach walk rolling his eyes but inside them would be a look of pure love. She reached out for it each time in her sleep but further it seemed to be from her. The more Cuddy wanted it the more her mind told her it was impossible.

House stirred in his sleep like he was having a nightmare. His face contorted in pain and discomfort. Cuddy placed her hand on his and he woke recoiling his hand in shock. The monitor sounded out in the silence to raise alarm to the rise in his heart rate and the risk it posed to his pressure in his head. She leaned over the bed standing calming him down in the process.

"House, its ok it's just me. I think you were having a nightmare."

He breathed for a moment and exhaled deeply, "You're telling me…" He gathered himself, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Nice to see you too." Cuddy said sarcastically as she sat back down, "I'm here for lunch. Not all of us spend all their day…"

She realised what she was about to say seemed a bit harsh considering what he had just been through but House just laughed, "You've got to stop stopping yourself, I prefer bitch Cuddy not pity Cuddy."

"Bitch me? I am not a bitch."

"Sure…" House said rolling his eyes and both laughed causing him to wince in pain of the motion but he held his hands up before she could move to him, "I'm fine. Really."

"Whatever you say." Cuddy pulled out a prepared salad she had made out of her bag, "So are you ready for the scan this afternoon? Could be good news, stranger things have happened."

He shrugged, "To be honest moving out of this room into another enclosed space to get my head scanned is the highlight of my day I wouldn't care if they told me I was tumour infested!"

"You don't mean that."

"I do." House nodded, "I'm going insane…again in here. I get told off every time I move! It's infuriating."

Cuddy shrugged back to him, "It won't be too much longer and you will be able to move around. Your wound is healing nicely."

"It's been five days since I had surgery. I will get home and Mr Cancer will come after me with his chemo drugs and his radio waves…all I can think is I just want a scotch…" House said sadly but Cuddy found it hard to take him seriously when he spoke. He was being melodramatic with a hint of a serious undertone. She knew he was apprehensive towards the speed of his treatment but he needed a new liver. He couldn't get that until he was in a much better condition.

"Speaking of wanting. Aren't you going to ask me if I brought you anything?"

House pulled a nonchalant face, "Why I'm not hungry, hence the lack of asking."

Lisa sighed, "You have to eat or they will start feeding you through a tube and what is the point in that."

He turned his bandaged head towards the window, he hadn't been able to shave for five days so he was sporting a fully forming beard but due to the location of his surgery his hair had been shaved, "If I aint hungry I aint eating."

"It's only going to get worse."

The sentence hung in the air for a moment. Her initial words said to point out an obvious part of his treatment gathered weight and struck him hard in the chest. It was only going to get much worse from here. Wilson wanted him to start chemo and radiotherapy in a week, that would be alternating days to give the best effect, then it was RFA treatment. It was the reality of his situation. It was downhill from that point.

"They said you can go home maybe tonight though although I wasn't meant to tell you that," Cuddy smiled, "But the official line is tomorrow."

House smirked, "The official line, what am I the president? I can't wait to get out of this hell hole."

"Yes it will be good for you," Lisa said absentmindedly, "You can have some time before you start your treatments."

"That's not what you're thinking and don't lie." House turned to her, "You have a tell."

Lisa denied that, "I do not!"

He laughed at her response, "Oh yah, you do." House faced the ceiling trying not to move his head too much, "Let me see. You were thinking if what I meant by home and what you meant by home were the same thing now we are shacking up."

Cuddy blushed with embarrassment and stood up to stand by the window so House didn't see her reaction, "We haven't spoken about it though."

"There isn't any need to."

She turned back to him instantly, "So you will stay with me?"

He shook his head, "No."

Cuddy walked over to his bed, throwing her empty salad box into her bag, and looked at him in pure confusion, "You can't stay there. You shouldn't be on your own."

"I won't be." House stated, "Wilson is going to stay with me through my treatment. He volunteered to be my nurse…though I don't think sponge baths will be in the equation so you're in there."

He winked jovially towards her but Cuddy was still visibly disappointed, "Why can't you stay with me?"

"Oh you know the million things you try to squish into the measly twenty four hours with work and Rachel plus caring for me on top? I think your head would explode."

Cuddy shook her head, "I could cope. You're the one who has cancer not me. I will be fine."

He lifted his head a little and looked her straight in the eyes, "You have enough to deal with Rachel McQuestion Cuddy and my team trying to burn down the hospital without the careful leadership of yours truly. Mopping my brow can be left to Mr Cancer Care."

She was genuinely disappointed that he had chosen to stay at his apartment and not with her. It was another way of him pushing her out and Cuddy didn't like it. House was staring back at her and she could see his eyes trying to decode what she was thinking.

"It's for the best then…"

He groaned in frustration, "Please don't do that. You know I would like to have Nurse Cuddy around all the time and I mean all the…" Cuddy gave him a look that meant be serious so he stopped his lewd behaviour, "But I'm not the only one you have to think about."

She smiled for a moment thinking about what House was trying to do and she sat back down, "God, have I just seen the day where Gregory House was being thoughtful."

"Hey, I resent that. I am thoughtful all the time." House pensively thought, "I just choose not to show it."

Lisa laughed, "Well I will have to sleep over lots."

"I can deal with that."

* * *

Cuddy had indeed been telling the truth when she had said Wilson's plan was to let him home a little earlier than he had anticipated so that he might have a bit of a time out before the next week. He had his scan but didn't stick around for the reading of the results. The only thing he wanted to do was be in his own bed or sit on his sofa watching pointless TV. It seemed such a strange thing to miss but his apartment was his solace. Although House knew that Cuddy would stay with him that night. He was feeling good, his head was healing nicely and he didn't feel so tired. He supposed it was the calm before the storm. In exactly seven days he would be heading into the hospital for his combination chemotherapy treatment. So he wanted to fit as many Houseian activities into those seven days. That included ditching Wilson and being on his own for a while.

"Here we go."

Wilson spouted happily when he wheeled him to the apartment door, "Home sweet home."

House sat a little happier in his chair but he wouldn't let Wilson see, "And I couldn't have used my legs to walk over the threshold?"

"No. You aren't to exert yourself." Wilson pushed him through into the living room, "Cuddy's orders. She will be over later I'm going to baby sit the other baby."

House mocked laughter, "Don't start a war of words you could even dream of winning."

"Whatever." Wilson said looking in the empty fridge, "I'm just going to pop out to the grocery store for a minute. You don't have anything to eat." He said walking back to the door taking his keys out, "Try not to kill yourself for like twenty minutes. Just relax."

The diagnostician mock saluted, "Sure thing boss."

The door closed and House slouched in relief. To be alone in his apartment was the stuff of dreams, he had dreamt about doing it all week being home and alone without the doctor parade. He held himself up steadily with his reduced strength onto the arms of the wheel chair. All he wanted to do was walk to the sofa but his legs were prickly from the lack of use due to his inability to walk for the last few day. So as soon as House tried to take a step towards the sofa he faltered involuntarily falling onto it in a heap. He still congratulated himself for getting to the target location relatively unscathed.

"Now that is what I'm talking about."

House said to himself grabbing the remote to his stereo and turning it on to the beautiful music he knew was last in there. It wasn't important the track he just let it play but the jazz made him feel relaxed and home for the first time in what felt like forever. He let the remote drop to his side and his head slid back to the comfort of his sofa. The room was dark from not lighting any of the lamps of turning any lights on at all but the moonlight shone through giving enough light for him. The music was the most important thing to him at the moment. The soothing piano and saxophone of southern jazz was lulling him to sleep. Not just a drug induced hospital sleep but a rich and relaxing soak in the sandman's world of pleasant dreams. The world could wait for an hour or two.

* * *

Wilson and Cuddy met outside House's apartment building. Cuddy had returned from Marina she had made sure that Rachel was happy and settled before coming over to see how House was doing. They smiled at each other and met by the door.

"Fancy meeting you here."

Wilson smirked and Cuddy returned, "Aren't you meant to be watching the patient?"

He shrugged, "He had no food in I have only been gone about twenty minutes."

"Twenty minutes? That's a long time in House world. He could have flooded his apartment by then."

They shared a laugh and Cuddy proceeded to take the grocery bags from James, "I might as well go up now, no point in us both walking up all those stairs."

He gave them to her and was about to enquire about the arrangements with Rachel when Cuddy spoke out of the blue, "Do you think it would be ok if we went somewhere before his treatment? I mean, do you think he's up to it?"

Wilson thought for a moment before replying, "If you have any plans I suggest you do it now. He's not going to be in this short of shape for a long time. Though everything has risks…but when have they ever matter to House."

She smiled, "Thanks, James."

"No, problem and I won't ask what you're planning but I hope you know that I will be here if you need me to watch Rachel or anything."

Lisa looked and him and sighed in gratitude, "It's much appreciated. I know we aren't doing this alone, Wilson. No matter what he says, House knows it too."

James laughed, "The day House says he appreciates me that's the day I know something is seriously wrong with him."

They grinned knowing that House was a man who found it difficult to show his affections but they both knew that he was well worth it. Cuddy nodded to him and they both parted ways. She headed upstairs to House knowing that Wilson was going to take good care of her little girl that night. Lisa laughed to herself, James spoiled her rotten when he was with her. She reached the apartment and heard soft music flowing out of the door before even entering the apartment. Once inside Lisa found him on the sofa his wheelchair cast aside beside the sleeping giant. She moved past him into the kitchen where the groceries could be put away and then moved back to see him waking from slumber.

"When did you sneak in…sneaky"

Cuddy laughed at his attempt at wit, "Sneaky? That was all you could come up with."

"Erm, I only just had my brain sliced open, cut me some slack. This is the brain power the rest of the world works with not diagnostic geniuses."

She sat down in the arm chair to his right, "Genius? I wouldn't go that far."

"That's right kick a guy when he's down."

"I'm not kicking. I'm simply correcting your male bravado."

House shrugged, "My male bravado is what gets me through the hard and cold times."

She smirked, "The hard cold times and how precisely does being an asshole get you through that."

"It warms me inside knowing everyone else is an idiot." House smirked lifting his head for a moment, "You know it's the little things in life."

They were using small talk, or at least their version of it, to hide from what needed to be said. They were both unwilling to talk about what happens after the next seven days. The brief rest bite of intrusion from doctors and tests would be shattered when his first sessions began.

"You know there is so much I don't know about you, House."

He sighed, "What can I say I am a man shrouded in mystery?"

Cuddy sat forward leaning on her knees, "I'm being serious. Don't you think that's weird after how long we have known each other?"

House sat up to look at her, "No. Why does that bother you?"

She faced him, "Why doesn't it bother you?"

"Because I'm not that heartbroken that I don't know what age you first kissed or who you lost your cherry to."

Cuddy smirked, "No you don't want to know because you don't want to tell me yours."

He laughed, "I feel a wager coming on here. So why don't you just come out with what you want?"

Lisa stood up and moved to the sofa sitting cross legged from where he was lying, "I propose a game."

"I like games. Go on."

She grinned to herself House loved a challenge and he wouldn't be able to resist, "We play a game. You ask me a question and I in turn ask you a question. The first one to fold loses and the other crowned the winner."

House perked up sitting long ways on the sofa lifting his leg beside where she was sat, "And what does the winner get?"

"The satisfaction of being the winner."

House gave her a look that made her know that wasn't satisfactory, "Really, that's lame. That's what you tell to kids when they can't handle they suck at something."

"Fine what do you want?"

House thought about it seriously for a while considering all the things he wanted from her or in general and suddenly came up with his dream answer, "I want a get out of jail free card."

Cuddy shrugged in confusion, "What does that mean in English?"

"I get one call that I say to you I need to get out of here and you have to get me out."

"House I think that's a bit much to want."

He was dead serious, "You want me to play the game seriously. That's my prize. What do you want?"

Lisa stared him out at his own game, "Well then I don't want to tell you what I want. I reserve the right to keep my prize a secret. But when I call you on it you have to honour it. Those are my terms."

"I accept."

She rose her brow in surprise, "Really? You're just going to blindly agree to my prize."

He smirked, "All is fair in love and war plus, you think you're going to win."

From that moment it was on. Cuddy knew she probably wasn't going to win from the look in his eye. He really wanted his prize and he was probably more prepared to be completely honest than she was. The game was on.

"So ladies first, take your best shot."

Cuddy smirked, "Ok, I will go in easy. Who and when was your first kiss?"

He groaned, "Why did you have to go for a soppy one?"

"Answer the question."

House rolled his head around thinking, "My father was stationed in India me and mom lived with an English ambassador's family. They had a kid around my age something like ten or eleven and she was smitten. Young, handsome all American kid, who wouldn't be? She kissed me. Then we left. No romance nothing."

Cuddy smirked, "Aw how cute."

"Shut up." House moaned, "Your turn and I am not going to go easy on you. What changed your mind on that night when we were in Trenton? Why did you come to my apartment?"

Lisa opened her mouth and paused for a moment letting out a nervous laugh, "No easy first question then."

"I don't do easy." He grinned, "You know that."

"Well there isn't an easy answer," She sighed running her hands through her hair, "I didn't change my mind as such. You left in the ambulance and I left to go home. Something was different. It's like my eyes had been clouded over by what I wanted to see and now I could see clearly again. The only thing I could think of was you. How honest you were to the woman, I knew then I was in love with you. I knew you were probably self-destructing and it was a simple decision." Cuddy rationalised, "I just had to see you."

House was trying to keep up his bravado but the honesty she spoke got to him at least a little, "I guess you just couldn't resist me."

She rolled her eyes, "Ok, your question. Why did you chase me at Michigan to never call or see me again? It's always confused me and I want brutal honesty here or you fail and I win."

"No pressure." House said under his breath. "To be so very brutally honest, I chased and was chased by a lot of girls, and a few men but that's a different story, but I knew that you were that one of a kind sort of gal. You had a lot of fight in you so I did chase you maybe more than I should have." He sighed, "You were the only interesting one out of so many and I loved the chase. The game we played."

"So…answer the question."

Cuddy prompted and House shook his head, "You won't like the answer. I was an idiot back then. I did things and then forgot about the consequences."

"How is that different from you now?"

He turned away from her the game becoming a little more intense, "When you met me I was waiting to hear whether I would be expelled. I didn't tell you because I didn't think I would be. I was beautifully arrogant enough to think I would get away with it Scott free. The official reason they were spinning was I cheated on an exam."

"And the truth?"

House pursed his lips and clicked his tongue before committing to the answer, "I slept with the Dean's wife." He caught her eyes seeing the confusion, "Way before we happened, I was a teaching assistant on another under grad course in some pharmaceuticals science. She was an attractive woman and I was a young guy convinced I could have and do anything or anyone. It happened at the beginning of term but the Dean never forgot and he never forgave. He spent the rest of the term finding a way to get me kicked out."

Cuddy was slightly stunned but she wouldn't press the matter further. The question had been answered there was nothing more to say at that time although Lisa couldn't promise that it wouldn't come up in the future. He pondered what to ask her for a moment considering her question was hard for him.

"Ok, Miss Cuddy," He laughed to himself stumbling onto the perfect question, "That day you walked into my office after we were talking about sperm donors, what were you going to say to me before you backed out and left?"

"God, how did you remember that?"

He shrugged, "For an opportunity like this perhaps."

She smiled, "Ok, being brutally honest I was going to ask you." Cuddy paused gathering up her strength to let the answer rip off quickly like a plaster, "I wanted to ask you if you could be the donor but I chickened out."

"Really?"

"Yes, you were talking about donors and how they had to be someone I liked. I guess it all got caught up in my head and I thought of you."

He smirked laughing to himself at the prospect and she punched him in the arm for laughing at her, "Stop it, I chickened out I came to my senses anyway it's your turn now. So no more laughing at me." Cuddy pouted and House imitated zipping his lips closed, "Ok, this game is heating up so let's get on with it."

"My thoughts exactly." House grinned.

"When did you and Cameron sleep together?"

He exhaled, "That hasn't been on your mind at all has it?" The doctor said with rich sarcasm, "It was around the bus crash, when Amber died I was looking to fill a hole…" He laughed inappropriately at the innuendo and Cuddy punched him again, "Ouch, that hurts you know. Anyway, like I said it wasn't anything more than physical for me anyway. I think we all know how Cameron has a soft spot for my sparkling blues."

Cuddy punched him again and hated him for being able to answer the question with such ease and she waited for her next question. The game was getting much more than just a game, it was becoming personal but she was sure that she could win.

"Getting into the game now aren't you, so let's try a hard one. You told me you were married once, who to and what happened?"

She had prayed that he would have left that one alone. It wasn't so simple to explain to a man like House what impulse and young love could do. Cuddy's face became mellow and sad, "I was young and foolish. The start of every regret that I have starts with those words."

"You met me when you were young and foolish."

Her brow rose, "Not as young. I was 19 and I hated my mother it was a powerful rebellious cause. His name was Robert."

House coughed, "Just Robert. No last name."

"I'm not telling you because knowing you, you will try to find him." House held up his hands so she could continue, "It was at college and we clicked but I think I did it to spite her. My sister was the perfect young girl doing everything my mom wanted and I just wanted to kick back. I went too far or it ran away from me and before I knew it I was at a shotgun wedding without thinking about what I was doing. It's not something I'm proud of."

House wolf whistled, "Get you the rebellious young thing."

"I was drawn to you, wasn't I? Something had to be wrong with me."

"Normal is overrated. Mistakes make the person, you could be like Julia and that would bore the hell out of me. Doesn't that make you more interesting?"

"Your question." Cuddy took a moment to think about it before looking at him intensely, "Besides me and Stacy, have you ever loved another woman? Excluding your mother."

House raised his brow in surprise at her question, "Why do you always ask the soppy questions?"

"The aim of the game is to ask a question you can't answer." Cuddy shrugged, "Go on."

The look Lisa was giving him told him all that he needed to know, the game was gaining intensity and heaviness but also the more questions they asked of each other the closer their physical bodies came. They were practically sitting as close as they could on the sofa their shoulders facing the other in a battle of wits.

"Yes."

"Who?"

House smirked, "That wasn't your question."

Cuddy looked at him with disgust, "The question implied that you explained thoroughly."

"Well I can't read your mind so you will have to ask me that next time."

She exhaled with frustration House avoided that question well and Lisa was sure it was a sore subject for him. It would only be delaying the inevitable.

"Your turn," House's voice was lower and gravelly, "Why did you give me a job?"

"What?"

Cuddy questioned and House replied, "I was unemployable. No one in the world would have trusted me with anything but you. I hadn't seen you in years and I was a jerk. So why give me a job?"

"I knew you were a good doctor. It wasn't a hard decision, sure I took a lot of crap for giving you the job but after the teething problems you make the hospital look good." She smiled, "I suppose a part of me always remembered you and wanted that feeling again. Look where we are now."

"If you hadn't given me that job I don't know where I would be."

There was a soft sincerity to his voice and Lisa smiled. It was nice to know that even though they hadn't done everything right House did appreciate some of her decisions but she didn't waste too long admiring that. He had avoided a question and now Lisa was burning to know what it was. For if he asked her the same question it would have been no. Cuddy had never had time or the dedication to love someone else like she had loved House. There had only ever been on man for her but even House's past had more true love in it than hers.

"So, I will rephrase my earlier question. Besides me, Stacy and your mother. Who have else did you love?"

House knew it was coming but suddenly felt too close to Cuddy. Her proximity was suffocating him for some reason and he was so very tired from all the excitement of the day. They agreed to move to the bedroom so that House could lie down and be more relaxed though Cuddy would not let him forget he had to answer. Whilst they laid down she probed the matter again, "Is this it? The question that will beat the great Gregory House?"

"No."

He answered almost before she had asked, "I've loved one other person."

She faced him lying on her stomach and propped up on her elbows, "I'm going to need more than that. You agreed-"

"I know what I agreed." House interrupted, "It's just I haven't spoken about it in a while, ok?"

Lisa nodded and proposed a compromise, "Look I can tell this is getting you frustrated so I have a deal to offer you. You answer this question and you get your 'get out of jail free' card. I will answer one more of yours and I will get my prize. Fair?"

He sat up against the headboard propping his painful back with cushions, "You've got yourself a deal. Her name was Lydia."

"The story?"

He reached out to his bedside draws and pulled out a photograph that he had stored there pushing it towards her, "We met at Mayfield, and before you ask no she wasn't a patient, she was a visitor." Lisa nodded taking the photograph and studying it. House had short hair smartly dressed with a sharp suit, she smirked at the loose knotted tie, and he was smiling not at the lens of the camera but at the woman next to him. Lydia was shorter than him and looked distinctively European. Cuddy admitted that she was beautiful with blondish hair and understated style. They looked like they were having fun and even House looked sort of happy. "We clicked. She was a musician came to visit her best friend who never spoke a word." His face screwed up with the sad memory of her, "She was married with kids, it was never meant to work but you can't help who you get drawn to.""

"If she hadn't been married, would you have tried?"

"What do you mean?"

Cuddy sat up, "Well you can't have had a relationship with this woman knowing that she had a family. Could you?"

House shrugged, "It's like you said earlier being young and foolish is at the start of all your regrets. Being in love and foolish is at the start of all mine. Let's just say I wasn't thinking about anyone else."

They were both a little startled by his honesty. Cuddy looked at the photo once more before passing it back looking at his face more deeply reaching over to cup his bearded jaw, "I never took you for a hopeless romantic."

He smirked, "What can I say? I'm into all that star crossed lovers business. You should know that."

Lisa conceded that she did know all about that. Having known the embrace of the younger Gregory House and having it taken away so quickly, she knew it too well. She smiled though and she moved to fit under his arm in a comfortable grasp.

"Go on then. Give it your best shot. One more question, batter up."

House chuckled gently at her baseball reference but his energy was running out and he had to admit that she had beaten him. He slid down so they could pull up the covers despite being fully dressed and turned to face her in his arms, "Are you happy? Like really, really- you know, happy?"

Cuddy smiled knowing that House was getting tired and he wanted to give her an easy question to end their little game one. It was truly an easy one to answer after that year of loving him. Knowing what it was like to be loved by Gregory House had made her feel more joy than she had ever felt.

"Yes. More than I've ever been before."

* * *

_This years love had better last_  
_Heaven knows it's high time_  
_And I've been waiting on my own too long_  
_But when you hold me like you do  
It feels so right  
I start to forget  
How my heart gets torn  
When that hurt gets thrown_  
_Feeling like you can't go on_

_Turning circles when time again_  
_It cuts like a knife oh yeah_  
_If you love me got to know for sure_  
_Cos it takes something more this time_  
_Than sweet sweet lies_  
_Before I open up my arms and fall_  
_Losing all control_  
_Every dream inside my soul_  
_And when you kiss me_  
_On that midnight street_  
_Sweep me off my feet_  
_Singing ain't this life so sweet_

* * *

_End Note: Anyone sensing a road trip? ;)_

_Before it gets too serious I wanted to give them a bit of fun so that is what the next chapter will be about. Anyway I hope you enjoyed it and will review your thoughts and feelings on this chapter. I tried to lighten it up a bit with a good bit of Houseian flair :P Ok, see you next time!_


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